Steve Wiegand: Some see devil in the details

My friends, we have trouble.

Right here in California. And that starts with C and it rhymes with G and that stands for "gay." And G is next to H, which stands for "homosexual," which is next to I, which stands for "injustice."

And that's today's topic: The injustice of Gov. Arnold Schwarzenegger having signed Senate Bill 777, which was authored by state Sen. Sheila Kuehl, who is widely known to be a lesbian. Which is like a homosexual, only female.

Anyway, folks, this here SB 777 should have been numbered 666, since it is truly the devil's work.

What this bill would do, according to Kuehl, is clarify, codify and make more orderly a law that has already been on the books for five years. Basically, it would make it clear that discriminating against – i.e., bullying, assaulting, taunting, ridiculing, spitting on, cursing or denigrating – someone at school because their sexual preferences don't square with your own is illegal.

It would also ban teaching in a way that "promotes a discriminatory bias," such as suggesting that the only correct kind of family is one with a male father, a female mother, and maybe some kind of pet. But a regular pet, like a dog. No monkeys.

Ah, my friends, but if you were to hold this bill up to the flickering light afforded by, say, a burning cross, and read it backward, in Greek, you'd see its true purposes.

Using such illumination, the bill would seem to place a total ban on the phrases "man and wife" and "mother and father," since they could be deemed discriminatory.

See, since the bill bans the portrayal of homosexuality in a negative way, a teacher could decide that mention of a two-parent heterosexual family was discriminatory, unless he or she also mentioned something about families with two moms or two dads. Or a monkey.

Children who have had sex change operations – and California schools are probably crawling with them – could use any bathroom they wanted. A boy could be elected prom queen! Imagine the impact of that on Western civilization!

Although there is no actual evidence, educators may well be secretly plotting to promote deviant lifestyles, such as being elected to Congress.

Fortunately for us, a group of people who seemingly spend their entire lives worrying about how you should think, worship and raise your family have launched a referendum campaign to stop the Schwarzenegger/Kuehl/Satan plot.

If they can gather the signatures of 433,971 registered voters by mid-January, they can let Californians decide this matter for themselves on the ballot next year.

Now my friends, some of you may be thinking that this is uncomfortably close to someone trying to ram their religion-based homophobic views down other people's throats, based on their certainty that God, Allah, Jehovah, Ishtar, Ra and/or Cthulhu is straight and is sorely vexed at same-sex shenanigans. But this transcends mere religious paranoia.

No, this has to do with preserving traditional American values. Marriage should be between a man and a woman. People should drive on the right side of the road. Witches should be burned.

And it's not like homosexuals don't have a choice. Countless scientific studies, several by actual scientists, have shown that homosexuality is strictly a voluntary preference, like choosing between thick crust or thin, Giants or Dodgers, listening to Rush Limbaugh or filling your ears with fire ants.

Plenty of people who are addicted to cigarettes quit smoking, often without surgery. Short people, with perseverance, can get taller. And gay people can learn to be un-gay.

But not if we keep trying to treat them as equals.

About the writer:

• Call The Bee's Steve Wiegand, (916) 321-1076. Back columns, www.sacbee.com/wiegand.