Steve Wiegand: Averse to verse? (It gets worse)

Notwithstanding the fact that millions of Californians who already have health insurance don't give a rat's patootie, the issue of health care form has lately been prominently fixed in the frontal lobes of many people, particularly your elected officials.

At least those elected officials whose frontal lobes are still intact.

But as proposed reforms have evolved, the issue has become more complicated than it was originally. Just this week, Democratic legislators introduced their revised version of a reform plan, which is closer to the revised version that Gov. Arnold Schwarzenegger unveiled last month of his January reform plan.

In any event, those of you who are still reading are doubtless confused about the multiplicity of revised plans and their potential impacts. So at no small expense – in fact, no expense at all – we have asked a prominent doctor to give his views:

"Young man," said the doctor,
"It's really quite plain
Just who is to lose,
And who is to gain.

"But before we explain that,
It would seem to be wise
To review its components;
Try them on for size.

"First, all folks will be covered
With some kind of a plan;
From those in the clergy
To those in the Klan.

"The kids of the migrants,
The kids of the wealthy,
And everyone else,
Whether sickly or healthy.

"If they can't afford it,
The state will help pay.
But just how they will do it,
Well, that's sort of gray.

"The guv wants to sell off
The state's lottery,
Like it was a broke piece
Of old pottery.

"He says, 'We'll get millions,
Or maybe it's billions.
Or maybe it's much more;
Like multi-quadrillions!'

"But the Dems say, 'No dice, guv,
You've got to be joking;
Instead let's tax those who
Have not yet quit smoking.

" 'We'll get this health plan
Well-ensconced in the black,
By raising the tax
By two dollars a pack.'

"But whichever they pick,"
The doc said with a sigh,
"I'm afraid other factors
May cause it to die.

"Employers all hate it,
'Cuz they'd have to pay fees
They say would bring business
Right down to its knees.

"Conservatives hate it,
It hikes taxes and stuff;
And liberals say it
Just don't do enough."

Excusing his grammar,
I asked of Doc Seuss,
"Then just who will win
And just who will lose?"

"Most everyone loses,"
He said. "It's a crime;
Except for one group,
And they win every time.

"They'll jack up their rates
And find ways not to pay;
And treat the reforms as
A profit buffet.

"So if you've got money,
Buy insurance firm stock,
But plan to sell shares
If you must see a doc.

"For whichever plan passes,
And I don't mean to be crude;
Insurance firms win and
We all get screwed."

About the writer:

• Call The Bee's Steve Wiegand, (916) 321-1076. Back columns, www.sacbee.com/wiegand.