CAROLYN HAX | She feels the burden of another's confessionDEAR CAROLYN: A friend revealed to me that she is having an affair with a good friend's husband. I wish she had not told me, because it puts me in a very awkward position of keeping this secret both from her husband and the wife whose husband she is smugly sleeping with.

I am sensitive to this because some time ago I discovered my own husband's infidelity with another smug woman. As painful as the discovery was for me, we eventually worked things out. A few people eventually told me they were suspicious but afraid to say anything. I wish they had spoken up. I was totally blind.

Now I feel compelled to inform these parties despite the fact that it is "none of my business." What can I do?

– Anonymous

DEAR ANONYMOUS: You can take a hard look at your biases before you act on any compulsions. Is the good friend's husband "smug," too?

Maybe viewing infidelity through the Jezebel lens helped you make peace with your husband's actions, but it's misogynistic and unfair. Both parties in your husband's affair and both parties in your friend's affair are accountable for their choices.

Plus, you can let your non-disclosing friends off the hook; they had suspicions, not a confession.

One thing you can do without much agonizing: Tell your friend how you feel about this cow pie she dropped in your lap. That's your business, and it's entirely appropriate to object to her thoughtlessness.

It's also the first step on a solid path to a clear conscience. As part of that conversation, invite your friend to help you decide what to do now, no threats, with one nonnegotiable feature: You won't lie to cover her tracks.

Not only does that dramatically limit your friend's ability to operate in secrecy, it also keeps you within the limits of knowing your place.

DEAR CAROLYN: I share an apartment with a close friend. I hardly ever use cable, but I pay for half. I've brought it up casually once, but she seemed reluctant to engage me. I am wondering about roommate etiquette. Should I just suck it up?

– Roommate

DEAR ROOMMATE: If you watch any TV, then, yes.

It's certainly fair to ask if it's something she could live without. If she says it's still important for her to have it, then you can respectfully request that she assume responsibility for it.

If you wander in and start watching something with her, though, then you must offer to chip in generously (to pre-empt hard feelings and bean-counting). Maybe not half the monthly nut, but a week's worth at least.

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Email Carolyn at tellme@washpost.com. Chat with her online at 9 a.m. each Friday at www.washingtonpost.com.

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