I was doing my biennial shopping for underwear recently, when I noticed the thrift store was overrun with Halloween decorations. Naturally, my thoughts turned to politics.

For those of you who haven't been underwear shopping recently and didn't realize Halloween is nigh, I'd like to point out that so is next year's national election.

And if, like me, you are part of the roughly 30 percent of American voters who are not affiliated with a political party – or even a "movement" – perhaps it's time to, like me, consider joining the Diet Cola Party.

At first blush, the DCP (Motto: "Democrat taste, Republican calories") might seem a pale imitation of the better-publicized tea party. Also at second blush. But by the time you get around to blushing thrice, it should be clear to the thoughtful citizen that Diet Colans are neither as rigid nor as interested as disciples of the tea party. We are, in essence, progressive conservatives.

We are inspired by the best president on a $2 bill. I refer to Thomas Jefferson. As many of you will recall, Jefferson was a member of the Democratic-Republican Party. He owned slaves and was the principal author of the Declaration of Independence. He stridently preached thrift in government, and died $100,000 in debt due to profligate spending. In essence, he was the quintessential amalgam of right and left wing, a progressive conservative.

Thus inspired, here are just a few of the tenets of the DCP:

• The role of government should be rolled back, generally speaking. As Jefferson would have said had he thought about it a bit longer, "That government is best which governs only those who really need governing, such as people who park over the lines in parking lots."

• The management of health care should be left to the health care industry. If the health care industry didn't know what they were doing, they wouldn't be making so much money.

• Social Security and Medicare are failed socialist programs. They benefit no one other than those who refuse to go out and get a job, or pay for their own Bengay. They fly in the face of Nature's dictum that only those who adapt should survive. (Not that we subscribe to any of that godless evolution hokum.) Both programs should be ended for all new participants. Starting, say, after July of 2016.

• Barack Obama was born in Kenya. So was Joe Biden.

"Ah," you may be musing, "so far this sounds not all that dissimilar to that other movement whose name includes that of a beverage."

That would be a mis-muse, however, because the DCP parts company with the TP and other movements in a key area: We believe that thinking outside the box, or not even thinking at all, is more important than consistency in ideology.

Take, for example, job creation. President Obama, a liberal if we ever saw one, has proposed cutting payroll taxes for both workers and employers, creating more government jobs, and extending new tax credits for companies that hire people who have been out of work for more than six months. Conservatives such as Michele Bachmann, (or as we call her, "Palin Lite") insist we need something called "job-creating regulations." These are nonsensical, if well-intended, approaches. Providing more money to corporations won't help create more jobs. Take Chevron, one of the biggest oil outfits in the world. In 2010, Chevron had profits of about $19 billion, which was nearly double 2009's $10.5 billion. Did they use that extra money to hire more people? No. The mega-corporation had 64,132 employees in 2009 and 62,196 in 2010.

A payroll tax cut for workers is equally ill-advised. Workers don't create jobs, they occupy them.

We in the DCP believe there is a more creative approach to job creation, based on these facts:

• American worker productivity is at record levels.

• Many corporations are making record profits, and squirreling them away rather than expanding their payrolls.

• Salary levels are stagnant, and raises are rarer than honest congressmen.

The solution is simple. The federal government should order the American worker to work less hard. This would result in workers making more money, proportionately, for the work they do, thus obviating the need for pay raises or a reduction in employee payroll taxes. Faced with lower profits due to less productivity, employers would be forced to hire more people.

Problem solved. At the DCP, all we ask is that you think about it. And buy some new underwear.

© Copyright The Sacramento Bee. All rights reserved.

Steve Wiegand is a retired – and apparently badly dressed – journalist.

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