The following is a partial transcript of a recent closed-door "working lunch" session of the U.S. Congress Joint Select Committee on Deficit Reduction, a.k.a, the supercommittee, a.k.a. "the Dopey Dozen." It was recorded by a microphone hidden under a lobster shell on one of the lunch trays.

Sen. Patty Murray, D-Wash.: "I want to thank the folks from CBO (Congressional Budget Office) for their presentation and for crunching all these numbers. Do the members have any questions?"

Rep. Jeb Hensarling, R-Texas: "Yeah, Patty. Are you going to finish your sundae?"

Murray: "No, go ahead. I should have saved room, but the foie gras was to die for. Any other questions?"

Sen. John Kerry, D-Mass.: "Not a question, but I'd like to sum up our side's position on this deficit thing, if I may. That stopgap compromise thingy we passed in August requires us to come up with $1.2 trillion in debt reduction by Wednesday, and then Congress has to pass it, and then the president has to sign it, and if not, there will be $1.2 trillion in automatic, across-the-board cuts. That means everything from the money we give farmers not to grow things, to the money we spend to regulate Wall Street bankers so they don't rip us off. You know, money well spent. Right?"

Rep. Fred Upton, R-Mich.: "Right. In other words, if we don't come up with an agreed-upon formula to reduce the federal government's deficit by $1.2 trillion, the federal government's deficit will automatically be reduced by $1.2 trillion."

Kerry: "OK. We obviously can't let that happen because, well, because it would look like we didn't really know what we're doing. So we Dems say cover half the reduction by raising taxes on rich people and the other half through spending cuts that will not affect our voter bases, like poor people and union members. That sounds reasonable, and keeps the math simple. Would you pass the Grey Poupon, Fred?"

Sen. John Kyl, R-Ariz.: "Baloney, and I don't mean that stuff on the cold cuts tray over there. You guys are going to spend us into the poor house. We might go as far as $300 billion in new tax revenues and the rest in cuts, but you have to promise the tax hikes don't actually affect anyone with a lot of money, and the cuts, uh, reforms, will be in programs like Medicare and Social Security."

Rep. Jim Clyburn, D-S.C.: "No chance, pal. You might as well ask us to agree not to overhaul the income tax system, extend the Social Security payroll tax cut and unemployment benefits.

Kyl: " … slice regulatory red tape, ease environmental restrictions on oil and natural gas drilling, reduce the bureaucracy and … "

Clyburn: " … if pigs had wings, we'd all wear helmets. OK, I get your point. Ain't anything substantive likely to happen. So, any ideas on what we can do to make this manure smell like roses? You know, style over substance."

Rep. Xavier Becerra, D-Los Angeles: "We could take the copper out of pennies. I read somewhere that it costs us two cents to make every penny. If we took the copper out, we could save a bundle. Heck, if we paid off the deficit in copper-free pennies, we'd cut it in half right there!"

Sen. Pat Toomey, R-Pa.: "Ha! Good one, X. Except the mining industry would never go for it … unless … Hey! How about we cut the copper, but let them put lead back in gasoline. That would make the miners happy, and heck, the air has to be clean enough by now."

Murray: "Now we're getting somewhere."

Hensarling: "I hate to be the piranha in the punchbowl, guys, but if we don't come up with something better than that, we could be triggering a real crisis. Our failure to act decisively could result in some nasty cuts to vital government services and programs, drive up interest rates and unemployment, drive down the financial markets and the strength of the dollar, and steer us straight back into recession."

Rep. Chris Van Hollen, D-Md.: "But could it keep us from being re-elected next year?"

Several members, laughing: "No way, the voters are the dopes who put us here, remember?"

Rep. Dave Camp, R-Mich.: "In that case, I suggest we do what we do best."

Sen. Max Baucus, D-Mont.: "Which is?"

Camp: "Finish this free lunch."

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