I can't believe I did it, but I did. (No, I didn't marry again. Sure, I'm dumb, but not that dumb.)

But I bought the snake oil; drank the Fool-Aid; got, er, pulled the finger. That's right: I opened a 401(k) a few months back, socking away $250 every payday since. To date, I've contributed $1,250 toward my moldin' years. My balance? An eye-popping $1,249.25. Meaning, then, I've made a negative 75 cents.

I'm pretty sure captive pandas produce better than that.

Then again, with such returns, I can retire in – let's see, carry the one, subtract everything – yep: seven years post-mortem. The good news is I now know the formula: I sock, they sack.

Who's "they," you say? Oh, the usual suspects, the ones who keep insisting 401(k)s are the only path to a rosy retirement (theirs): stockbrokers, hedge fund managers, congressional water carriers. The rest of us? Well, it's probably time to start demanding tastier cat food.

But, wait. Aren't these the same greedmeisters who tanked the economy in 2008, the same still-at-large felon-oughttabe's who ripped off most of the then-existing 401(k)s into which everyday Americans had been squirreling away hard-earned cash for decades? Are they really telling us to do it again?

You bet. (Literally.) But, this time, it'll be different. Lout's honor! (If you believe that, I've got some bundled derivatives I'd like to show you.)

Before continuing, a disclosure: I'm a state worker, Public Enemy No. 1 since bin Laden's been deadened. Thus, I'm one of the few Americans left with a guaranteed pension. For those screaming for my head, please! Speak to someone who (dis)honestly had something to do with spiking myriad American dreams. Like Bernie Madoff. (I believe Sundays are visiting days.) Or Richard S. Fuld Jr., ex-CEO of Lehman Brothers (rest in pieces). Or former U.S. Sen. Phil Gramm, financial industry lackey who legislatively greased the tracks for our economic train wreck with deregulation he spearheaded a decade-plus ago. Or these disgraced (but still mega-wealthy) ex-CEOs: Angelo Mozilo (Countrywide), Martin Sullivan (AIG), Stan O'Neal (Merrill Lynch), Charles Prince (Citigroup).

Given the preceding, as a public employee it kinda wears thin being the ceaseless target of cynically misdirected anger. I mean, calling for the destruction of another's pension because yours was stolen is sorta like demanding the neighbor's house be torched 'cause yours has burned down.

Remember, too, that the same fraudsters painting government workers and teachers as villains (um, teachers? Who's next: firefighters? oh, wait …) also disparage Social Security as an "entitlement," as if being entitled to money you've put into a system your entire working life is, in some Kafkaesque way, criminal. Even better: that renowned economist, Rick Perry, calling Social Security a "Ponzi scheme." (Some might argue capitalism is the biggest Ponzi scheme extant, since, someday, there'll be no new markets to tap. Unless one goes to another planet, and if that's the case, I'd suggest trying the one Rick Perry's from. Maybe we can get our money back.)

Don't buy the hype that Social Security is "broke" or "unsustainable." Two simple fixes would render the fund solvent forever: 1. Removing the Social Security withholding cap of $106,800 (as it stands now, income above that isn't subject to withholding), and 2. Applying Social Security withholding to all income (currently, "unearned" income, like that produced by dividends, capital gains, etc., is exempt).

Problem solved. Ta-da!

So – why the scare tactics? Because no stock market earwig, sorry, bigwig in his right(wing) mind wouldn't want to charge fees on every IRA to come his way if Social Security's gutted. Remember my 401(k)? Total market returns: $6.75.

Total management fees: $7.50.

You're welcome, Mr. Struggling CEO!

Look, I'm not saying that even a healthy Social Security could fund a full-fledged retirement, nor am I urging folks not to save for the future (that is, if they can even save – or eat – at all). My points are these:

• Fortifying Social Security with no reduction in benefits can and should be done. After all, it's only pocket science.

• Beware the divide-and-conquer strategy of manipulative marketeers. Don't turn on your neighbor; instead, join forces to demand economic justice. (Occupy Everything, anyone?)

• Think before gambling, er, investing. (Sorry. Don't know why I confuse the two.)

• As always, follow the money. Most often, it goes straight into the bottomless pockets of financial finaglers who don't give a coughed-up fur ball about you.

'Course, if you're still not convinced, I have three words: cat food futures.

© Copyright The Sacramento Bee. All rights reserved.

Mark Drolette is a freelance writer who lives in Sacramento.

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