Carolyn Hax: Sage advice from readers

Published: Tuesday, Apr. 3, 2012 - 12:00 am | Page 2D

While I'm away, readers give the advice.

On telling difficult truths in therapy

A big benefit of both therapy and groups like Al-Anon, I've found, is that when you hear what you've been thinking and feeling coming out of your mouth, in front of another human being, it changes your perspective right there. Saying it out loud is enormously powerful.

For some reason, (kvetching) to your best friend or sister does not have this power.

– L.

Most "totally whacked" (to quote an earlier column) people never seek help; they think it's everyone else's problem. Therapy clients are normal people needing to figure something out, or having symptoms that all of us experience at one time or another.

– Therapist in Maryland

On marrying a smoker

My own dear, great-guy husband had a heart attack at 41, but smokes. He won't smoke in front of the kids, which is great, but instead his solution is to find a million and one reasons to leave the house so he can smoke: The car needs gas, going to go see if there are any good movies at the Redbox, going to take the pool water to be tested, need a bag of mulch, etc. Of course, these trips are never consolidated into one, they're always spaced out. Every time he does this he is choosing the smoking over his family, by (1) leaving us to go smoke, and (2) hastening his demise. (See: "heart attack at 41.")

I'm at the end of my patience with it all and wish I could talk to my 20- something self. I'm pretty sure when the kids are gone I won't be far behind.

– Florida

On taking offense when people ask where you're from

I am a disabled American: I've never had the opportunity to travel outside the states. I'm also fascinated by all cultures and the history behind them, and I love people.

I often ask others, "Where are you from?" and I've always gotten lovely answers – like, "I'm from Ethiopia," or "I was born in the States, but my parents come from Scandinavia."

From there I can ask questions about their culture, and I've made many solid and lovely friendships with people who started off as strangers.

I suggest that people who bristle at being asked "Where are you from?" should start asking others, "Where are you from?"; they might get some wonderful answers, and they'll find out that most people are very happy to answer in a kind and generous way.

– A.

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