DEAR CAROLYN: I'm getting ready for a family vacation. My grandmother has generously offered to pay for a beach rental.

Unfortunately, my sister-in-law just lost her job, and she brought in half of her family's income. I am very sympathetic; I was out of a job in 2010. However, every time I suggest an activity – e.g., barbecue at our favorite restaurant – my brother says they can't afford it, and I say, "Don't worry, I'll pick up the tab."

Frankly, it kind of goes without saying at this point that I'll be paying for pretty much all of their activities and food that week. I don't mind (otherwise, I wouldn't have offered), but I would just love for my brother to spare me the guilt trip. He says no to everything I suggest, with repeated reminders of his wife's unemployment, unless I offer to pay. Any suggestions?

– Surviving A Family Vacation

DEAR SURVIVING: Since it's somewhat confrontational to answer a question with a question, I'll let an imaginary brother do it for me:

"What do I do about a sibling who knows my wife lost her job – and with it half of our income – but keeps asking if we want to go to this restaurant or that activity, all of it costing money we don't have? S/he offers to pay, but only after putting me in the position to say I can't afford it. Being broke is bad enough; I could do without the added mandate to grovel."

If you don't like the result, then stop doing the same thing over and over.

How about this to break the cycle: Either it has to go with saying that you're happy to pick up their tab for whatever the family does during the vacation week – meaning, you issue a blanket "My treat for everything" to spare your brother the humiliating he-says-no-then-you-offer-to-pay dance every time you suggest something – or take a hint and serve up some ideas that don't cost anything. DEAR CAROLYN: I'm attending another minor social event without my husband this weekend – an old friend's niece's birthday party. My husband was invited too, but he'll be golfing with friends. I am cool with that. He and I have a good balance in the activities we do together and separately.

Can you suggest any responses to the half-joking, half-accusing, "Where's Bill?!" I usually say, "He couldn't come this time," but then I get more questions. If I shrug and say, "He's golfing," it feels like I'm dismissing the importance of their event.

–N.

DEAR N.: What you "usually say" is fine; you just need something to deflect the (nosy) follow-up questions. Try: "Nothing dire, just another commitment," smile, new topic.

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