DEAR CAROLYN: I have tried to put into practice your recent suggestion that people try to make telling the truth as easy as possible for their significant other. But what if they tell you the truth and it hurts? For example, my significant other told me a story about this girl who was flirting with him. He thought the story was hilarious but, honestly, it did hurt my feelings that he was out late at night flirting with women.

I said nothing because I was happy he told me the truth and I don't think he actually did anything with the woman, but it hurt my feelings.

So how do I reconcile wanting to foster an environment of truth-telling but also not react when he says things that do hurt? Anonymous

–DEAR ANONYMOUS: The way you deal with a difficult truth is as important as the truth itself.

I don't think the answer can end at, "Don't react," because that's a form of dishonesty – to pretend you aren't hurt when you are. What you're looking for is an honest response that doesn't devolve into taking actions you wouldn't take if you were calm; healthy action comes after you've thought through the facts, assumptions, and possible consequences.

To use your example of your partner's flirtation: If your face registered pain, there was nothing wrong with that.

If you also had said, "I'm glad you feel safe telling me stuff like that, but I'm not sure how to respond," then that response, too, would have remained within the bounds of "make telling the truth as easy as possible."

Even better, an "I'm not sure what I think" buys you time to consider context and ask yourself important questions. Again using your example:

Does your partner have a history of baiting you with tales or hints of other women – or is his history more one of jolly extroversion with no subtext?

Do you ever flirt harmlessly with people yourself, and, if so, would you feel comfortable if he witnessed it, or heard about it later?

Do you think extra-relationship flirting can ever be harmless? If so, would you rather know it's happening, or remain blissfully ignorant?

Do you have other reasons to trust, or not trust, your partner?

The answers to questions like these will give you insight into your own mind, if you let them, as well as some grasp of what exactly is bothering you. They'll hint at whether you've chosen a partner who doesn't respect you, or you've held your partner's behavior to a higher standard than you've held your own, or you've just got a case of mismatched expectations for the way couples behave.

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