DEAR CAROLYN: My husband and I (as well as his sister and spouse) are at our wits' end.

We live within minutes of my in-laws, but do not get or ask for a lot of help. When we do ask for baby-sitting help, we are made to feel like it is a major inconvenience. My sister-in-law gets the same response. We get a laundry list of things she has going on that may be affected by a few hours with her grandchildren. It is usually hair and nail appointments, not work, medical appointments or other terribly pressing matters.

I do not mean to imply that her obligations are any less important than mine. Although, we truly only ask when it is necessary and an occasional (one in four years) anniversary dinner without children. If it is that much of an inconvenience, we would prefer she just say "no" and leave it at that. Any advice on how we can approach this with her? We are all very frustrated.

– J.

DEAR J.: Best approach: Stop asking.

Her huffing and puffing are the equivalent of "no," with the added message that she feels bad enough about saying it that she'll go out of her way not to.

I'm not excusing this, just explaining it – though I think it's something you already know. I think you also know that, yes, you are implying that your "truly necessary" whatever is more important than her manicure. Own that position – otherwise it sounds pretty rich that you're annoyed at her for not owning hers.

If you don't have even a short list of sitters you can hire, then you need to develop one. If occasionally everyone is busy, then either you postpone your anniversary dinner to a workable night, or, OK, you ask your mother-in-law – knowing you'll get 18 excuses and possibly no sitter. Part of any relationship is making allowances for the occasional non-wonderful thing that's part of the package.

Either way, it sounds as if you need to employ the strictest possible definition of "necessary" – and, perhaps, a looser definition of "grandmother." That offhand remark, about "things she has going on that may be affected by a few hours with her grandchildren"? It reveals a whole worldview: that grandmas put themselves aside for their grandchildren.

It is lovely when they do. However, some grandparents are through with child care, and they – not you, and not Norman Rockwell – get to decide what kind of grandparents they'll be, barring emergencies.

So when you have a true emergency, yes, recruit your in-laws. Otherwise? You and anything else involved in this familial tug-of-war would be better served if you just let go of the rope.

Reach Carolyn Hax at tellme@washpost.com or chat online with her at 9 a.m. Fridays at www.washingtonpost.com.

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