In the spirit of April Fool's (or close to it, anyway), here are a few fun contributions from readers and other sources:

Exercise for people over 60: Stand on a comfortable surface with plenty of room on each side. With a 5-pound potato bag in each hand, extend your arms straight out from your sides and hold them there for a full minute. Then relax.

Each day, hold this position a bit longer. As you feel stronger, move up to a 10-pound bag. Then try a 50-pound bag. Eventually try to lift a 100-pound potato bag in each hand and hold your arms straight for 1 or 2 minutes. When you feel strong and confident at this level, put a potato in each bag...

Women are like apple trees. The blessed ones are at the top of the tree. Most men don't want to reach for the good ones because they are afraid of falling and getting hurt. Instead they sometimes take the apples from the ground that aren't as good. The apples at the top think something is wrong with them when in reality they are amazing. They just have to wait for the right man to come along ... the one who is brave enough to climb all the way to the top of the tree.

Now men ... men are like a fine wine. They begin as grapes. And it's up to women to stomp the juice out of them until they turn into something acceptable to have dinner with.

Internet warning about shampoo! If you struggle with your weight, be extremely careful if you wash your hair in the shower. Many shampoos used in this way expose your entire body to substances that make you fat. And the threat is clearly printed on the label: "FOR EXTRA BODY AND VOLUME."

Don't put yourself at risk! Start showering with Dawn dishwashing soap. Its label clearly reads: "DISSOLVES FAT THAT IS OTHERWISE DIFFICULT TO REMOVE."

A man watches his wife take a long look at herself in a full-length mirror.

"I know I'm not as pretty as I used to be," she says. "My face is wrinkled, my arms are flabby, and my hips are too big."

She turns to her husband and says, "Tell me something positive to help me feel better about myself."

He studies her ... thinking ... and then says thoughtfully, "Well, there's nothing wrong with your eyesight."

A minister sets out to emphasize his Sunday message with four worms. He places one worm into a jar of alcohol. Another worm he places into a jar filled with cigarettes. Worm 3 is dumped into a jar of chocolate syrup. And the last worm is placed into a jar filled with clean soil.

As he concludes his sermon, the minister reports to his congregation that the worm in the alcohol is dead. So are the worms in the cigarettes and chocolate syrup. Only the worm in the clean soil is alive.

Pausing, the minister asks, "So ... what can we learn from this demonstration?"

A voice from the back of the church confidently states, "If you drink, smoke and eat chocolate, you won't have worms."

(Barbara Quinn is s registered dietitian and certified diabetes educator at the Community Hospital of the Monterey Peninsula. Email her at bquinn@chomp.org.)

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