DEAR CAROLYN: I recently married a man I have dated several years, and am very happy. One of my bridesmaids, "Courtney," said she was upset because she always assumed she would be married by 25.
About a month before my wedding, she met a guy who was about to be deployed. They had a whirlwind romance, he deployed, they kept in touch, and now it is six months later and she tells me he's "the one."
I believe that when you know, you know, but there are all sorts of red flags. My husband and I have spent time with him, and it turns out he is recently divorced less than a year after marrying, and he met "Courtney" before his divorce was final.
They do not communicate well, and he doesn't attempt to get along with her friends. Other than the few weeks he spent with her on leave, he has been across the world; they have communicated by Skype when they can. Now they are talking about rings.
When I mention my hesitation about him to my friend, she's offended. She thinks my dislike of him is because I am recently married and that I'm biased against a divorced man. She is partially right I do think divorcing somebody less than a year after marrying them indicates bad judgment in the first place.
How often, if at all, am I allowed to say I disagree that he is "the one"? What is my responsibility?
He's Not The One
DEAR HE'S NOT THE ONE: Such scrambling for self-validation I'm dizzy.
Not just hers you're doing it, too.
She's throwing together a marriage to affirm her worth in her eyes, and you're wrapping yourself in your carefully considered marriage to affirm your worth in your eyes.
You are clearly closer to maturity than she is, but I also don't think either of you has the end in your sights. That's because plenty of carefully considered marriages implode, too. Likewise, some pairings that you're sure will end in calamity surprise everyone and stay on the rails.
That hers is a rushed, long-distance entanglement with a freshly divorced man does suggest they'll hit trouble.
The worst thing you can do for your friend, or your marriage, or yourself, is get smug about the soundness of your choices as compared with hers.
The best thing? Anything that doesn't come across as foundation work for an I-told-you-so. If and only if you see warning signs of abuse instead of just warning signs of bad judgment, alert her to specifics without judging her.
Otherwise, unless she asks your opinion, just love her and root for her.