DEAR KELLY: My good friend and my ex have a thing, but they arent admitting its anything serious. He and I broke up more than three months ago. I was so sad, and my friend Morgan helped me through it all. She knows how I feel about him.
It makes me so mad that shes the one chasing after him now. Theyve always been friends, but I never thought they would go out. She knew I really hoped we would get back together and he would do the single thing like he said he wanted to, but then come back to me. When I found out they had something going on, I asked her what was going on. She said they were just texting as friends, and it was nothing and that other people were making it more than it was.
That was two weeks ago. I just found out they hooked up at someones house last weekend when I was at a volleyball tournament. When I asked her what happened, she laughed and said, Blame it on Jose, like she drank too much tequila. When I asked a mutual friend of ours, she said that they seemed more like a couple that night and it was more like a planned hookup than a drunk one.
I feel like a fool. When I texted him what was going on with Morgan, his response was, It shouldnt matter. You and I arent together anymore. Sorry to be mean but I dont owe you any explanations. When I asked him if he broke up with me for her, he texted back, NO. I never cheated on you. You should know me better #insulting. I asked Morgan the same question and she said, No, but I dont believe them and Im obsessing all the time on what they are doing. I cry myself to sleep all the time.
Morgan asks me all the time who I like now or will say stupid things like, You and Tommy (another guy) would be so cute together or point out other guys. I think she wants me to start liking someone so they can become official and she wont feel bad. I dont even want to talk with her anymore, but I worry that my friends would side with her and I would be left alone.
What should I do?
Burned By My Bestie And My Boy
DEAR BURNED: What can you do? You cant control them or anybody else. If they want to hook up or have a thing, you have no control over that. The only person you can control is yourself.
Get the Kleenex out because Im going to be honest with you. Sorry to pop your bubble of hope, but he has moved on. He broke up three months ago and it doesnt seem like hes looked back like you had hoped. His loss, right? Three months is a long time in high school time with regards to moving on.
He didnt rush out within the week and get together with someone. It doesnt seem fair for you to be angry with either of them for going out if you guys broke up three months ago. You dont own him and he wasnt yours forever. You dated, then you broke up. From that moment on, he could date anyone he wanted and you have no right to be angry. You can be hurt (which I think you are) but being angry isnt fair.
Let the relationship that was go. Let the boy go. Let your anger go. Let your hope to get back together go. Let your questions about their relationship go. Let the obsessions go.
Wipe your tears away and pick yourself up. Do you see how all of that is only hurting you? You are creating so much inner conflict over something you have no control over. Please stop hurting yourself and realize that you are OK and you can move forward in your life, just as he has. Dont chase after someone who has moved on and dont alienate your friends over this. He isnt worth it.
Sometimes we listen to ourselves when we really should be talking to ourselves. Tell yourself to move on and stop letting the past affect how you feel today. Tell yourself that you are amazing and you will meet someone new and wonderful when you are ready.
Tell yourself that he was a nice guy but he wasnt the right guy. Tell yourself that if he and Morgan want to go out, you cant stop them. Tell yourself that she was a good friend and you wont let a guy come between you and her.
Tell yourself its time you start living again.
Kelly Richardson, a Folsom therapist, works with adolescents.