DEAR KELLY: I'm a 15-year-old girl, and I have suddenly become very shy and sensitive about my body. I never felt this way before. However, now I feel uncomfortable with the idea of others seeing my body.
Because of this, I've been avoiding sleepovers, slumber parties and swimming at friends' houses because it means undressing in front of everyone. I hate missing out on these things, but I can't get over this hang-up.
I can still undress in front of my sister, but I even have started feeling uncomfortable with her seeing me when I change. I'm really worried about what I'll do in gym class when school starts, since you have to change and shower in the locker room with little privacy.
– J.M.
DEAR J.M.: You're normal. Your situation is normal. Your feelings are normal. Your worries are normal. Your "hang-up" is normal. Relax and take a deep breath.
Every year, like clockwork, I get countless letters from teenagers like you who have fears about gym class and having to change in front of other people. There are many teenagers reading this column who are relating to your reservations about changing clothes in the school locker room. Boys and girls, middle school to high school, underdeveloped and overdeveloped – it doesn't seem to matter. They all write about an apprehension to having to show their body to others in a public setting.
As your body changes, so does your anxiety about showing it off. Little children run around naked because they have few inhibitions. Teenagers are the opposite. They care greatly about what others think, and everyone wants to fit in and be normal. But everyone's body is different, and that can make things uncomfortable.
Stop avoiding sleepovers if your only concern is having to change in front of others. Use the bathroom if you need privacy. If anyone questions you, tell them, "I get too shy changing in front of people, so I'm just going to change by myself." And if your friends reply with, "We are all girls (or boys)," you can simply say, "I know that, but I'm going to do what makes me most comfortable."
The only way to "get over" your concerns is to tell yourself that no one is perfect, even those who appear to have it all going on. Even people who seem confident and poised have insecurities. Learn to accept your body as you are. Don't compare yourself to anyone else. Give yourself time to learn to feel comfortable with your new and more mature body. Instead of declining offers to do fun things, figure out a way that you can go and still feel comfortable if you need to change.
Stop worrying about being shy about your body. It happens. It's normal. Just don't let it stop you from joining your friends and enjoying high school. Talk with your friends about your fears, and you might be surprised that many of them feel the same way you do.
HI KELLY: Do you think teenagers should have to tell their parents where they are all the time? My mom constantly has to know where I am, and it drives me crazy. I hate my cell phone sometimes because she uses to check up on me. And when I don't answer, she texts me to see where I am and who I am with. Do I have a right to tell her to chill out and stop being so annoying?
– Ty
DEAR TY: It's never OK to tell your mom to chill out and stop being so annoying. A mother deserves more respect than that.
Learn to choose your words more carefully. It might help. Ask your mom how you can work together so she feels more comfortable and safe when you are out. Calling her annoying or telling her to chill out will make her defensive, and you will never win with that approach.
Your mom feels the need to know where you are. A lot of parents feel the same way. Don't act like yours is the only mom to check in. Answer the phone when she calls, and tell her where you are. It sounds pretty simple. Get used to the fact that if you are out with your friends, she needs to know where you are. Be grateful she trusts you enough to let you go out. Things could be worse: Suppose she never lets you go out and makes you hang with her all the time.
Kelly Richardson, a Folsom therapist, works with adolescents. Write her at Teen Talk, The Sacramento Bee, P.O. Box 15880, Sacramento, CA 95852, or e-mail krichardson@sacbee.com.
