DEAR KELLY: When I talk to this girl on the phone, she acts like she likes me, and she texts me all the time. But when we are out somewhere face to face, she never talks to me; she just talks with her friends. She says she gets too nervous, but I think she might be playing me. I'm tired of chasing her. She'll say things like she can't wait to see me, but when I walk up to talk to her, she never talks and just drops her head and won't make eye contact. My friends laugh at me and tell me to move on. It's embarrassing, and I don't know what to do anymore.
– Andre In The House
DEAR ANDRE: You are taking what might not be a personal issue and making it a personal issue about you. What if she is telling you the truth and really is a shy person? Perhaps talking on the phone or texting feels less scary than talking face to face. Cut the girl a break and stop listening to your bozo friends. It sounds like they are razzing you, and you are letting it bother you.
Are you old enough to hang out alone? If you aren't, ask her if you can come over to her house and maybe just sit outside to talk. If you are, go to a park or coffeehouse and go without any friends. If she balks at this idea, ask her where she feels safe and willing to go so you can get to know her better face-to-face. If she insists on just talking on the phone or texting, perhaps her parents are really strict, and she doesn't want to get in trouble.
Certain cultures are uncomfortable talking with someone of the opposite sex until it is approved and supported by their families. Any chance this might be her situation? Find out more about her family, personal comfort levels, culture, previous relationships, etc., before you judge her.
Labeling her an ice queen is unfair; she could be just the opposite. Many people struggle with social anxieties and are simply afraid to have a conversation with other people. If you really like her, you will drop the labels and be more understanding of her and her needs.
HI KELLY: I'm getting ready to go to middle school this year, and I've heard they put kids in trash cans, pour soda on you at lunch and slam you into lockers if you bother the bigger kids. What should I do if this happens? Do you think this is true, and how do I avoid this?
– Nervous And Afraid
DEAR NERVOUS: What you are talking about is bullying, and it should not be a part of any school – elementary school, middle school or high school. The legend of getting dumped into trash cans has been around since I was in middle school. While I can't say it has never happened, I sincerely doubt it happens as much as everyone makes it out to be.
If it does happen to you, ask to speak with a vice principal or your school counselor and share what happened to you. They can leave your name out but still confront the bullies on their behavior. Kids who bully need to be stopped, and it needs to come from people who work at the school.
Don't let fear stop you from having a fun and exciting experience in middle school. Stand up and walk confidently (not arrogantly) in the halls. Mind your own business and avoid talking trash about other people. If you are respectful of other people, odds are they will be respectful back.
Write to Kelly Richardson at Teen Talk, The Sacramento Bee, P.O. Box 15880, Sacramento, CA 95852, or e-mail krichardson@sacbee.com.
