We've never had a female president, and most CEOs of Fortune 500 companies are still white men. But William Pollack says there's a "boy crisis" in America.

As proof, he cites several measures: In schools across the country, boys get most of the D's and F's; girls get most of the A's. Boys are less likely than girls to graduate from high school and college. And boys are more likely to commit suicide or homicide.

"I don't think there's a war or anyone's out to get them," said Pollack, a Harvard University psychologist. "But compared to girls, boys are failing – failing in life, in school, in health.

"They're failing to feel good about themselves and develop into healthy adult males."

Pollack directs the Centers for Men and Young Men at McLean Hospital in Boston. He's co-author of "Real Boys: Rescuing Our Sons from the Myths of Boyhood" (Owl Books, $17, 476 pages).

He recently spoke to parents and teachers at Trinity Episcopal School in Charlotte, N.C., to raise money for Let Me Run, a program that encourages boys to embrace the idea it's OK to express emotions and feel vulnerable.

Pollack said boys are taught from an early age not to show their feelings. It comes through in "boy code," a term he coined to describe the messages boys get from society.

"We expect a 'real' boy to be tough, to hold back their tears when they're in pain, to be heroic, which means to sacrifice themselves for others and not to show vulnerability," Pollack said. "We expect this from the age of 4 and 5 on."

While research shows that boys and men like rough-and-tumble play, Pollack said there's "nothing that shows they're biologically hard-wired to be aggressive in a negative manner."

If boys are hurtful and mean, he said, they've been taught that behavior.

"We need to ask: 'What has happened to this poor boy?' " he said. "Most boys are suffering in silence. Boys are in trouble because we have trouble seeing what they really need and giving it to them."

What's the solution? Pollack hopes parents and teachers can learn to recognize the messages and change them.

Schools contribute to the "boy code," he said, by failing to allow for differences in how boys and girls learn. Without enough time for activity, boys squirm, get sent to the principal's office and may even be diagnosed with attention deficit disorder and given medication.

"Don't get me wrong," Pollack said. "I believe ADD is a true disorder and medication is a reasonable treatment, but I think it's overused."

Boys and girls also have a different "learning tempo," Pollack said. On average, boys learn to read and write up to 16 months later than girls, and boys are a year or two behind girls in mastering penmanship.

"Yet we force it on them at the same time," he said.

He doesn't blame educators.

"Most teachers haven't learned how boys learn. … When (boys) are not interested, they pull away, and teachers see them as problem kids."

Once teachers see the research, "they immediately come up with ideas to change the curriculum," Pollack said.

Indeed, Emily Rietz, a fifth-grade teacher at Trinity Episcopal, said she tried several new approaches after hearing Pollack's insights. Rietz said she had often wondered why boys get so physical with each other during recess and between classes.

"They're all over each other all the time: jumping, wrestling, bear hugs."

When she mentioned it to Pollack, he asked her: "Is anyone crying?" and "Is anyone complaining that they're being hurt?"

When she said no, he suggested she talk to the boys about their behavior and offer them a deal.

So she asked them why they play the way they do. The boys told her it was fun and made them happy. She said: "It's OK … if you play like that outside, but not in the classroom. "

What parents can do

Parents, too, can learn to relate differently to their sons, Pollack said.

Because boys have a hard time expressing themselves in words and often feel shame if they have a problem, he advises: "Give them a little time."

"If he comes in the door and slams it, don't go after him immediately. … He won't say 'Mom and Dad, I want to have a heart-to-heart, interpersonal discussion.' He'll say, 'Is dinner ready?' "

That's the time for what Pollack calls "action talk."

"See what game they like to play. Ask them where they want to go. Get a movie and sit down next to them. … While you're there, say 'Gee, you seem quiet' or 'We haven't talked in a while.' … Just say one or two words. Then you wait."

Instead of lectures, Pollack said, boys need security and reassurance.

"Let him know how much you respect him, admire him and love him. Tell him, 'You have to stand on your own two feet when you need to, but most of the time you'll want to be attached to somebody.' "