Our sex life used to be great but then my boyfriend got depressed. Since then, it's nonexistent. I've tried everything to get him interested. I even talked him into seeing a doctor, which he did for a few months. But then he said it was a waste of money and stopped going. He also refuses to continue taking the anti-depressants he was prescribed. I don't know what to do. I feel like giving up.
Steve: Don't give up. Find out more. Why is he depressed? You'll need to help to find out the cause. Is it his job? Or has anyone in his family had that problem? Keep trying and keep trying. And talk to your boyfriend to cheer him up. There's a reason out there and you can find it.
Mia: Dude went to a doctor but stopped going. And he's been prescribed anti-depressants but no longer takes them. Meanwhile, you're swinging around a pole in your bedroom trying to get him roused up enough to have sex again. Humph! This relationship is whack. It's time to cut your losses. Move on, baby girl! That dude is not your husband. He's not even your fiance. He's a down-and-out guy you go out with when he can manage to drag himself off the couch. Depression is an intractable disease. A lot of people struggle with it their entire life. Your guy may figure out a way to beat it, but how long will that take? It's not your job to stick around and find out. You should be looking for a partner healthy enough to love you the way that you deserve. If dude gets himself together and wants to try again, that would be up to you. But that could take a while. Meanwhile, look out for yourself. And don't you dare feel guilty about it.
My husband and I have been married 12 years. Before we married, he was open about being friends with a few women who were lovers years before. There was never a problem until my 20th college graduation anniversary this summer. I met three friends I hadn't seen in decades. We had a great time and my husband seemed good with it. But after we got home, he said he didn't want me to get in touch with them again. Meanwhile, it's perfectly fine for him to have coffee or a beer with one of his old girlfriends. What should I do?
Mia: Is it perfectly fine for him to have coffee or drinks with an old girlfriend? I think not. If you can't hang out with your old lovers, then neither should he. Yes, his feelings will be hurt but that's his problem. As the recently-departed Tom Petty would sing, "It's alright if you love me. It's alright if you don't. I'm not afraid of you running away. Honey, I've got the feeling you won't." (Yes, I'm quoting song lyrics now like Steve.)
Steve: This is an easy one. He has zero support to ban your friends. Unless he believes a husband is the boss of the wife. Hard to believe morons of that viewpoint still exist, but they're out there. The way to handle this is to not spend much time with these old classmates and make sure your husband is invited to every event. The best relationships are partnerships. And that means each side gives in a little.
Steve is a 50-something married man who's been around the block. Mia is a younger, recently married woman with an all-together different attitude. They may not agree, but they have plenty of answers.