Teen Talk: She doesn't want to have phone sex, but boyfriend is insisting

03/27/2012 12:00 AM

03/27/2012 8:49 AM

DEAR KELLY: My boyfriend and I have been together for almost two and a half years and we are totally in love. We started having sex, but he was my first and we took things really slow. He never pressured me, and I felt he loved me so it felt right.

He's one year older and left for college this past fall. We decided to stay together. We have made it work so far with a lot of Skyping, texts and phone calls. I have been to see him twice, and he has come home every possible break. He lives in a dorm, so when I went to see him I met a lot of cute girls that I know are around him all the time. I never really worried too much because he told me how much he loved me.

Since he went back after Christmas break, he has started to ask me for phone sex every once in a while. Then he started talking kind of sexual to me on Skype and wanted me to do the same back to him. I felt really awkward and uncomfortable considering my parents were right downstairs, and I was afraid they would come in anytime.

When I told him I didn't like the Skyping where we talked dirty, he said that just having phone sex would be OK with him. Kelly, I don't like phone sex. It just feels weird, and I don't know if I'm doing it wrong or if I should even be doing it in the first place.

After doing it for a few weeks, I finally told him I don't really like it. I asked if we could just wait until he comes home for summer break. I tried to build up excitement and anticipation, but he just got mad and said that's what couples do today and I need to grow up if I want to be in a grown-up relationship.

It really hurt my feelings, and we didn't talk for four days after he said that. When he did finally call, he didn't really apologize the way I hoped he would.

He told me that if I don't want to have phone sex, maybe we should break up until he comes home at summer and decide then. I couldn't believe it. He said that it's hard not doing anything with any of the girls in his dorm and that since I won't do the phone or Skype thing, he can't promise that he will be faithful to me.

I'm so confused. I love him, and I know he loves me. If we break up and then try to get back together when he comes home, I know things will be different. I don't know if I can ever trust him after that.

– Lost

DEAR LOST: I don't think you are as confused as you say you are. You know what makes you uncomfortable and what you don't want to do anymore. You also know that if you follow through on his plan, things will change between you and the trust you have developed will be gone. I don't think you are as confused as you are upset that he has put you in this uncomfortable place. You know what is right, you just don't want to face what needs to happen to follow through.

Being in love means respecting your partner's feelings and never forcing them to do anything they are uncomfortable with. Period. I know you think he loves you, but he is showing "love" in a very strange way.

If your boyfriend threatens you with "You better have phone sex with me or else " he is not listening to your feelings and has no respect for your boundaries.

He also doesn't really love you. Pressuring you to do something you told him you don't want to seems selfish and self–absorbed. Placing his needs above yours should tell you enough about him to make your decision easier.

Stand up for yourself. Don't be bullied into doing something you don't want to. If he can't promise to be faithful to you or continues to make you feel guilty for how you feel, then you shouldn't stay in a relationship with him — even if you feel you love him.

Why put yourself through that?

Even when you think you really know someone like the back of your hand, sometimes they can surprise you and show another side. Sometimes that new side is enough to make you realize they weren't the person you thought them to be, and perhaps you need to reevaluate the relationship.

Hold your ground. Listen to your feelings. Trust that you know what feels right and what you will not do, even if that means losing someone you thought you loved.


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