Teen Talk: Just break up; don't fall into the break-up-then-make-up cycle
04/24/2012 12:00 AM
04/24/2012 8:58 AM
DEAR KELLY: My boyfriend said he had the biggest crush on me last year, when I still barely even knew his name. We ended up in the same math class this year, and we started to flirt. He told me that he thought I was out of his league and that I would never go out with him. I started to like him, and I knew he really liked me too.
We became (a couple) in February after we went to a school dance together. I always thought he really liked me because he told me how much he had liked me before and that he always hoped he would get a chance to go out with me.
When we did start going out, he said he was never happier in his life.
Now that we have been going out for a while, he has started to act different. When I asked him what's wrong, he said his feelings about me have changed. He's not sure anymore that he wants a girlfriend and wants to be single for now.
I couldn't believe he was breaking up with me when we never even hardly fought or had any drama. Things seemed so good.
How do your feelings change when you have liked someone for so long and wanted to go out with them? He denies there is someone else, and I haven't seen him talking to other girls.
I don't know what to do. When I have called him crying he asks me stupid questions like, "Why do you want to be together when you can have any other guy at our school?"
I told him I don't want anyone else, but he still says maybe we should just go back to the "friend zone" for a while to see if things get better.
Can you get back feelings for someone if you think you lost them, or is this just a lost cause and should I move on?
– Heartbroken In Auburn
DEAR HEARTBROKEN: Feelings do change, and so do people. Perhaps your boyfriend was more of an "I like the chase" kind of guy. Maybe you were a challenge for him, and once you had feelings for him, he lost interest.
Whatever his issues are, they are his issues and most likely have very little do with you.
To be honest, he sounds like a bit of a game player. He tells you he likes you, but you're out of his league. You start liking him back and make the relationship official, but he drops the bomb that his feelings have changed.
You're left chasing him because you have developed strong feelings for him. Playing hard-to-get boosts his ego and confidence. He might play this "hot and cold" thing as long as you allow it because it keeps things fresh and exciting.
I'm glad you can recognize the possibility this is a lost cause and you should move on.
Easy to do? Not at all. Best thing for you? Absolutely.
Show confidence in your decision and walk away. Be aware that once you leave, he may come back because the chase will be back on. If he starts to pursue you again, keep the door closed. He is looking for someone to pursue and flirt with but doesn't want the part that comes next that involves commitment.
Teenagers change relationships all the time – some quicker than others. There is nothing wrong with deciding a relationship is not working for you. He's not a bad guy for breaking up with you if he can be honest and end things respectfully.
You have to be careful that you don't fall into the make-up-break-up cycle just so the relationship is exciting. Move on and let go.
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