Complicating things more, we have had career changes that have meant starting anew, maybe moving. He hints about moving home, across the country from me and my family. I feel as if when he pictures a future, it is not with me.
He says he does not know what the future could bring. He could move home. He could stay here and advance his career.
Do I risk what I want – a family, children – for a man who may not want that, who may move home and decide this is (I am) not what he wants? How does one know?
You, meanwhile, compound that problem by immersing yourself in the role of hint-interpreter and status-quo-preserver, instead of looking squarely at him and saying: “About that woman you marry. We’re on Year 3. Are you in, or not?”
Give him that opening to be the straight-shooter he’s failed to be. You’re not 22 and a few months into this, so don’t act as if you are and don’t stand meekly by while he does.
Important disclaimer: When you’re years deep into someone and not being treated to the directness you deserve, a “Now what?”-type query tends to be rhetorical. That’s because you have two key answers already: Yes, he’s OK with letting you dangle, and yes, that alone warrants questioning whether you want a life with him.
There’s no one-size-fits-all way to be wonderful. You just have to pay attention to what they value, see whether you have any of that to spare, then provide it without strings attached – just as, presumably, they give of themselves to you.