Carolyn Hax: Some of her friends disappeared while she was sick

02/14/2014 12:00 AM

02/11/2014 5:24 PM

DEAR CAROLYN: I am 23. About a year ago I was diagnosed with what turned out to be a non-life-threatening cancer. During surgery and radiation, I was lucky enough to have a wonderful significant other and the care of my family. I’m healthy now.

Throughout that time, I (or my family) sent infrequent update emails to friends and our extended family. At one point, I announced that I was ready for visitors and phone calls. I heard from a few people, but not at all from some friends I would have expected to hear from. Since for some people I was the first to go through an illness this serious, I understand that people didn’t know how to react. Though my feelings were hurt at the time, this isn’t something I am choosing to hold grudges over.

But now, as I’m re-emerging, friends will say things along the lines of, “Sorry I wasn’t in touch more, but I knew you were well taken care of,” and I don’t know how to respond. I’m not angry, but I don’t want them to think that if another friend were to ask for visitors during an illness, it’s OK to just not reply. How do I respond when friends say things like this?

– Healthy But Confused

DEAR HEALTHY: First of all, congratulations, both on your health and on not holding grudges.

Second: Welcome to the weirdness of crisis, where your besties can vanish while casual pals surprise and sustain you.

Now that you’re feeling better on both counts, you have an impulse to make people more crisis-friendly by educating them. I understand that. It’s not your responsibility, though.

It is your job, as a friend, to be a friend, which includes sharing your feelings. If you look at it that way, then I think you’ll answer your own question on how to respond to your friends’ excuses. To mere acquaintances you give the hey-no-worries treatment. With friends whose absence did rattle you, deploy the truth as a matter of friendship: “I was well cared for, yes, but I missed you and was hurt you didn’t come.”

If they take it as a guilt trip, then assure them that’s not your intent. Explain that you understand you were the first one to spring a serious illness on an unprepared group of friends. Assure them you’re not upset or holding a grudge – you just didn’t want to give them some shallow, insincere “Hey, no worries!” when in fact it did matter to you.

The results could be awkward. Or, the ensuing conversation could bring you closer to these select few friends than beforeThat’s just the way these things go, so, speak for yourself.

You have this, at least: Whatever your friends serve up, you’ll have already have weathered much worse.

 

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