Carolyn Hax: He’s not interested in sex anymore

02/21/2014 12:00 AM

02/19/2014 12:40 PM

DEAR CAROLYN: After three years with my boyfriend, it has become clear we have very different ideas of intimacy.

When we first met, there were all the sparks I could hope for, but he quickly cooled to the point of reaching out maybe once every few months, half-heartedly.

I have tried talking about it, being patient, initiating, giving him space to come around – but he just doesn’t desire sex.

We love each other and have kept the excitement in all ways except that one, but my eye has started to wander and I fear I might be tempted to cheat; unfortunately, I have an active libido.

He has no insurance so I’ve gone to therapy alone, without result except that I seem to be pestering him more frequently, usually causing arguments.

I don’t want to leave him but don’t know how much longer I can be patient.

– 30 and Sad

DEAR 30: “Be patient”? For what?

An active libido isn’t “unfortunate” – it’s part of you.

Whether his dormant libido is part of him, or you, or is fixable, I can’t say. There are steps he could take, though, to explore or explain his lack of interest, which he’s apparently not taking. Knock-knock.

Maybe you can be happy without sex (doubtful), but there’s rarely happiness where the effort goes only one way.

DEAR CAROLYN: My son’s birthday was four months ago, and his godmother hasn’t yet gotten him a birthday or Christmas gift. The problem is, this is getting in the way of our socializing.

I sent her a text suggesting we meet up for dinner. She finally texted back days later (even though she lives by her cellphone) to say she was at the movies and missed my message but let’s try next weekend.

She’s always sorry she missed us and suggests the next weekend.

It’s because they don’t have my son’s gifts yet. She was “sick” for his birthday party and then admitted later it was because she didn’t have a gift. She rescheduled our Christmas gift exchange several times. I finally dropped off her children’s gifts. Again she admitted she didn’t have gifts for my son.

I just got another text asking what my son wanted for his birthday. Really? Just get him a gift card or forget about it. It’s getting to be a joke.

This has nothing to do with finances – I happen to know she splashed out on everyone else. What should I do?

– Anonymous

DEAR ANONYMOUS: Put this thing to rest, please: “Forget gifts! Son just misses your kids.” Clear and textably concise.

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