Carolyn Hax: He’d like to see her 30 pounds lighter

04/06/2014 12:00 AM

04/03/2014 10:39 AM

DEAR CAROLYN: As a man with an overweight girlfriend, I feel a bit demonized by your column and advice. Me, I’m small and healthy. I saw her pictures online and knew she had some weight on her, but she was appealing enough. She admitted that since those pictures were taken, she added 30 pounds from a stressful divorce.

Am I also a heartless superficial slob to want her to lose the 30 pounds she recently gained? I agree if one partner is too demanding of a certain image/appearance or other attribute, then maybe the couple should split. But isn’t there room for compromise, and having some mutual health and appearance goals?

– Skinny Boyfriend

DEAR SKINNY: No. You don’t get to have goals for other adults, not “health and appearance” goals, not any other kind of goals. You just don’t.

You can, of course, want someone to lose 30 pounds without being a heartless superficial slob. You can find those pounds unattractive. You can find them indicative of something else that worries you – of a stress-eating problem, of a known but unaddressed health condition, of an annoying habit of bemoaning the weight and using pre-weight-gain photographs without actually changing any habits.

You can break up with (or just not go out with) someone over any of these things.

You can also (fill in your thoughts, desires, biases, etc., here), as long as this (whatever) governs you and your behavior alone.

Occasionally in a healthy, power-balanced relationship, two people will want something different from each other, sure. But they have to approach it as equal partners, meaning basic respect for boundary lines: My feelings about you are my business, but your body and choices are yours.

DEAR CAROLYN: I’m an adult who recently moved back home. I’m having a hard time adjusting to the loss of independence. The one thing that really drives me crazy is that almost every time my mom speaks to me, she uses a pet name or a childhood nickname. I’m not financially independent, and I know my parents love me and do so much for me, so I don’t want to seem unappreciative or unreasonable.

The obvious answer is to just talk to my mom about it, but in past conversations of a similar vein, I could tell she felt hurt by my asking her to treat me as more of an adult. Do you have any suggestions about a light way to approach this?

– Anonymous

DEAR ANONYMOUS: No. You are an adult asking to be treated as such, so just be direct about your misgivings. “Mom, I love you and I’m grateful to be here. The loss of independence is hard for me, though. One thing I think would help: Would you please not call me by pet names or nicknames? I get this will be an adjustment, but we’re both finding our way.”

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