DEAR CAROLYN: My husband and I are expecting a visit from my brother “Allen” soon. He is on again with his on-again/off-again girlfriend “Mable.” I consider Mable one of my close friends, but I admit she is a total slob. My husband said that if Allen brings Mable when he visits, she is not welcome in our home. My husband likes Mable too, but he doesn’t want our house taken over by Mable’s mess.
I am nonconfrontational, and am already dreading telling my brother the news. Any suggestions?
Boot This Mess
DEAR BOOT THIS: Someone once saved me by noting that “writer’s block” really just means you don’t know yet what you’re trying to say.
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What you appear to be suffering here isn’t so much a fear of confrontation, but instead “confrontation block”: It’s hard to deliver a difficult message when you don’t even know where you stand.
Do you want Mable to stay with you? Are you OK with her mess, or at least willing to assume responsibility for keeping it out of your husband’s path? Do you find your husband’s edict extreme?
It is “our home,” not just his, so you have equal say in how you handle guests. You have every right to say you’re not comfortable barring the door to Mable because she’s a close friend and because you believe that outweighs her mess.
You don’t get to overrule your husband here, of course, any more than your husband gets to turn Mable away unilaterally. . “What matters” can include your own comfort, each other’s comfort, Mable’s feelings, Allen’s feelings, your marriage, your sibling bond, your sense of boundaries, your sense of what constitutes a good host.
When you identify what you stand for, actually standing for it becomes much less scary to do.
DEAR CAROLYN: I’m 75 and from a bygone era. Recently my daughter and 14-year-old granddaughter were visiting. Granddaughter was emailing/texting or whatever kids do these days. I thought it was rude, but didn’t say anything because her mother permits it and I didn’t want a “forced” conversation.
In my day, respect was the top priority around your elders. She is on her phone when I visit them, but it’s “their house, their rules,” so I say nothing. How do I not take this personally?
– Frustrated Grandma
DEAR GRANDMA: Please don’t write yourself off as a “bygone era” casualty. It’s not then (respect for elders) vs. now (no respect for elders) anyway; it’s then (societal expectations) vs. now (individual expectations).
That means scripts have been shredded and you all get to weigh in, for better or worse.
And that means you’d best just say to your granddaughter, “Your phone has you for 360 days, and I have you for 5. Please put it away and let’s do (blank).” Make dinner? Take a walk? You have standing; it’s merely of a different kind.