DEAR KELLY: Last summer I went to my cousin’s wedding and I hooked up with my younger cousin’s best friend. I’m not proud of it but we had sex that night even though we had just met two days earlier. I told my cousin what happened and he was cool with it, even though he I could tell he was mad at me because we kind of ditched him at the wedding. My family is meeting my cousin’s family at our cabin in Oregon over the summer for a week. My cousin texted me last week and said that he was bringing his friend and told me to also bring a friend so the four of us could hang out. I’m not sure how to handle this because my cousin’s best friend never called or texted me after we hooked up and now my cousin is making it seem like we can “double date” if I bring a friend. I’m sure his friend is thinking we will do the same thing again when we see each other. I did text his best friend after the wedding and told him I wasn’t that kind of person who just has random sex, but that I really liked hanging out with him over the wedding weekend and it was really fun meeting him. He texted back like a week later and just said “it’s all good” and nothing else. He has not texted me once and it really hurt my feelings.
Do I tell my cousin I don’t want his friend to come because I think its going to be weird? Or do I go? Or do I plan something else so I don’t have to go? Please tell me what to do.
DEAR LEXIE: By all means, speak up. It’s your vacation, too. Why go on vacation if you are going to be uncomfortable or stressed out? It’s not too early for your cousin to bring another friend or tell his other friend that family comes first and it isn’t going to work out for him to join the trip to Oregon.
It is possible you viewed the hook up differently. Casual sex is often different to men than casual sex is to women. Women tend to feel like sex is the beginning of something and some men might see it as just having sex. That being said, if he is “that guy,” don’t waste anymore energy or emotion on him – he isn’t worth it.
You made a mistake. It happens but you are smart to not want to repeat the pattern. Having sex with people you barely know is not a safe habit to develop, emotionally or physically. You can definitely learn a lot from what happened last summer and show self-respect in regards with whom who you chose to be sexually active. The fact that he never texted you after it happened and brushed you off shows his true character. Even if he does come back to Oregon, think long and hard about making the same mistake again. If you think his response would change this time, you are fooling yourself.
One question: Why does it feel like your cousin is setting you up for an awkward vacation and not having your back? Your cousin sounds a bit aloof and not very considerate of your feelings.
Stop and think about what you really want. Do you want to not have to see the friend at all? If that’s the case, tell your cousin the truth. If he doesn’t listen or respect your feelings, get an adult involved like your aunt or an older cousin who can talk with him and pass along the request that he leaves his buddy at home. Your feelings should come before the friend’s feelings. If you want to make it clear to your cousin that hooking up with his friend is not in the cards and you would appreciate his support on this, that is another option. In this case you would have to hold your boundaries and not give in or put yourself in a position for a repeat experience. If you don’t trust yourself to make smart decisions while handing around with them, listen to that inner voice. Speak up and share that you do not want his friend to come. It is a family vacation, not a spring break hook-up trip.
Call or text your cousin. Share your feelings. See how he responds. If he ignores your feelings, get someone else involved to help him see that bringing his friend is a poor choice and shows no consideration for your feelings. Hopefully he listens to your concerns and you develop a plan together. The next time you decide to hook up with anyone, especially a friend of a family member, think twice about your decision. Respect yourself enough to not make the same mistake.