DEAR KELLY: Recently, a guy from my school who is a senior asked me to come over to his house to watch Netflix and chill. We had been talking a lot on Snapchat and he seemed really funny. I kind of knew he liked me.
One of my friend’s older brothers who is also a senior told me to be careful. But when I talked to the guy who invited me, he seemed nice and funny and said that he used to be a player but he wasn’t like that any more. He talked about how hurt he was because of what people think of him and how he’s not like that. Of course I believed him and told my friend’s brother he had changed and that I was a big girl and could handle it. We flirted but nothing big or intense.
One of my friends dropped me off at his house. After like 30 minutes it got weird. He knew I had only had sex with one other person and that I didn’t sleep around. He asked me what I wanted to watch on Netflix and before I could answer he put on a porn movie. At first it was funny, but then it got really awkward. He turned it off because I thought it was weird and lame. Then we started kissing and he asked to do more.
When I said no, he asked why not and kept asking me. I texted my friend to come get me, but she was like 15 minutes away. I told him I didn’t come over to have sex and thought we were just chilling. He said he didn’t want to have sex yet either but wanted to do other things. Finally, when she got there, I left right away.
At school, someone came up and said that they heard I was a tease and that I led him on. I then walked up to the guy and asked him why he would lie. He said he didn’t lie: I came over and then just teased him and left. He made it seem like it was my bad that I didn’t do more with him. I think it’s spreading around school. I don’t know what to do and no one believes me. Any advice?
DEAR INNOCENT: I believe you and I think you got played by a player – present tense. His line of: “I used to be a player” doesn’t sit right – he is still a player and he’s not the victim. His whole shtick sounds like a load of garbage, and if he’s a “changed man now,” I would hate to see him before.
Let’s be clear. You did not do anything wrong. Could you have been more cautious? Yes. I say that because if you are going to a person’s house who you really don’t know very well, it is wise to bring a friend or two. You talked to him on Snapchat but really hadn’t spent time in person with him. Next time, bring a friend or two so you have someone else there who has your back and won’t let the situation get awkward.
The other lesson learned from this is to be more open to what older brothers or friends say. Your friend’s brother warned you about the guy and you disregarded his warnings. Anytime someone tells you a guy is a pimp or a player, listen. Even if they are wrong, you can figure that out slowly and without putting yourself in situations like you experienced. People don’t get called players or pimps without reason. Heed the warning and proceed with great caution.
Clearly you had different ideas of what watching Netflix and chilling meant to him. It sounds like he had a plan all along, and it feels a little creepy to me. The moment he put on a porn movie and you felt that awkward, icky feeling in your stomach, it was a clue to leave. No kissing, no hugging, no making out, nothing. Just “bye-bye” and don’t look back.
People use the word “tease” like it’s a character attack. How one goes from flirting to being a tease is baffling. You are allowed to set boundaries on what you want to do and exercise your right to only do what you are comfortable doing. Kissing someone is not a contract to go further. If he wants to tell people you are a tease because you didn’t give in to his suggestions, be proud of yourself for holding your own. There is no shame in saying no.
If you feel like you want to confront him, consider having an adult help. Perhaps you talk with the school counselor and allow them to help you navigate a conversation with him that tells him to stop calling you a tease or the school will intervene. He may deny saying anything, but getting an adult involved sends a loud and clear message that his rumors, lies or name-calling will not be tolerated.
Delete him from your Snapchat. He’s not worth any more energy. The next time you start talking with someone, be wary if he says he is a “changed man” or if you get warned by friends. Don’t put yourself in potentially risky situations by going alone if you don’t know them very well. Always bring a friend. And listen to that little voice inside your head that says: “This feels weird, and I need to leave ASAP.”
You know who you are and you know what you did. You kissed him and nothing else. That doesn’t make for a tease or a slut. Be good with yourself and move on. You don’t deserve to feel bullied or harassed at school. It’s OK to speak up and put an end to his childish and inappropriate antics.