Teen Talk: Don’t obsess over ex-boyfriend who’s dating a good friend
06/05/2014 12:00 AM
06/05/2014 12:17 AM
DEAR KELLY: My good friend and my ex have a thing, but they aren’t admitting it’s anything serious. He and I broke up more than three months ago. I was so sad, and my friend Morgan helped me through it all. She knows how I feel about him.
It makes me so mad that she’s the one chasing after him now. They’ve always been friends, but I never thought they would go out. She knew I really hoped we would get back together and he would “do the single thing” like he said he wanted to, but then come back to me. When I found out they had something going on, I asked her what was going on. She said they were just texting as friends, and it was nothing and that other people were making it more than it was.
That was two weeks ago. I just found out they hooked up at someone’s house last weekend when I was at a volleyball tournament. When I asked her what happened, she laughed and said, “Blame it on Jose,” like she drank too much tequila. When I asked a mutual friend of ours, she said that they seemed more like a couple that night and it was more like a planned hookup than a drunk one.
I feel like a fool. When I texted him what was going on with Morgan, his response was, “It shouldn’t matter. You and I aren’t together anymore. Sorry to be mean but I don’t owe you any explanations.” When I asked him if he broke up with me for her, he texted back, “NO. I never cheated on you. You should know me better #insulting.” I asked Morgan the same question and she said, “No,” but I don’t believe them and I’m obsessing all the time on what they are doing. I cry myself to sleep all the time.
Morgan asks me all the time who I like now or will say stupid things like, “You and Tommy (another guy) would be so cute together” or point out other guys. I think she wants me to start liking someone so they can become official and she won’t feel bad. I don’t even want to talk with her anymore, but I worry that my friends would side with her and I would be left alone.
What should I do?
– Burned By My Bestie And My Boy
DEAR BURNED: What can you do? You can’t control them or anybody else. If they want to hook up or have a thing, you have no control over that. The only person you can control is yourself.
Get the Kleenex out because I’m going to be honest with you. Sorry to pop your bubble of hope, but he has moved on. He broke up three months ago and it doesn’t seem like he’s looked back like you had hoped. His loss, right? Three months is a long time in high school time with regards to moving on.
He didn’t rush out within the week and get together with someone. It doesn’t seem fair for you to be angry with either of them for going out if you guys broke up three months ago. You don’t own him and he wasn’t yours forever. You dated, then you broke up. From that moment on, he could date anyone he wanted and you have no right to be angry. You can be hurt (which I think you are) but being angry isn’t fair.
Let the relationship that was go. Let the boy go. Let your anger go. Let your hope to get back together go. Let your questions about their relationship go. Let the obsessions go.
Wipe your tears away and pick yourself up. Do you see how all of that is only hurting you? You are creating so much inner conflict over something you have no control over. Please stop hurting yourself and realize that you are OK and you can move forward in your life, just as he has. Don’t chase after someone who has moved on and don’t alienate your friends over this. He isn’t worth it.
Sometimes we listen to ourselves when we really should be talking to ourselves. Tell yourself to move on and stop letting the past affect how you feel today. Tell yourself that you are amazing and you will meet someone new and wonderful when you are ready.
Tell yourself that he was a nice guy but he wasn’t the right guy. Tell yourself that if he and Morgan want to go out, you can’t stop them. Tell yourself that she was a good friend and you won’t let a guy come between you and her.
Tell yourself it’s time you start living again.
Kelly Richardson, a Folsom therapist, works with adolescents.
About This BlogKelly Richardson, a Folsom therapist, writes a weekly column for The Sacramento Bee. Her practice focuses on adolescents, and she believes proper communication and clear boundaries help build strong and lasting relationships. Write to Kelly Richardson Email firstname.lastname@example.org or send to Teen Talk, The Sacramento Bee, P.O. Box 15880, Sacramento, CA 95852
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