DEAR KELLY: Two of my good friends went to Tahoe together recently and met two guys from a different school. Both of my friends hooked up with the guys and they kind of started a thing.
When they got back, they asked me to go to a kickback with them and one of the guys’ other friends. It was horrible. The guys were OK, but their friend was awful. He got stupid drunk, tried to hug or touch me all night and said the most obnoxious and ridiculous things. When he burped in my face and thought it was hilarious, I couldn’t take it anymore. I had enough and went and sat in the car. My friends were kind of miffed at me because I didn’t want to stay longer.
Now I find out that these three guys are like best friends and do everything together, so they want to find him a girl, too. I want nothing to do with them again because that guy was such a creeper. Both my friends really like these guys, so I think they will hang out with them a lot.
My friends want me to give him another chance or they will find another friend to take when they all hang out again. It kind of felt like a threat that I will be left out if I don’t go along with the program and try to hang out with guy No. 3 again. My friends and I are like sisters, so I don’t want to suddenly be the odd man out.
What should I do? I honestly don’t want to give him another chance. He wasn’t even my type if he was sober, and I had no attraction to him.
My friends say I’m being mean by not giving him another chance, but I don’t want to. Any advice?
DEAR NOT SURE: You are sure, but your friends are guilting you into questioning yourself. It is easy for your friends to say give him another chance, because they didn’t suffer his rude and inappropriate behavior the whole time.
If I’m keeping it real I would say your friends sound rather selfish and not very supportive of you or your feelings. “Sisters” don’t treat people they care about like that. Your “sisters” owed you an apology – not a guilt trip – for making you suffer all night with a dud of a date.
I’m all about forgiveness, but you also need to listen to that inner voice that says “Creeper” and not put yourself in that position again. He made comments that were crude and touched you in a way that probably made your skin crawl. He was sloppy drunk and burped in your face. He was so far removed from being a gentleman. Why subject yourself to that again?
Why do you have to be “coupled” up to hang out? Can’t your friends bring a few friends and the guys do the same so you are just one group? Why do you need to be singled out with a pre-set date?
If your girlfriends bring three other girls and the guys do the same then no one has to be coupled and no one gets left out. It seems like a pretty simple solution.
Tell your friends that either you go as a big group with other girlfriends or you don’t go. Don’t do that to yourself. Don’t put yourself in that situation again where you are one-on-one with that guy. You are better off hanging out with other friends if he is your only option when hanging with your “sisters.” Hold your ground and think about your own safety first.
You aren’t being mean, you are being smart. Your friends are being mean. Don’t let their poor judgment affect you and your decisions. Trust yourself and be OK with being left out if they don’t care enough about you to value your happiness and safety. Sometimes being left out is a blessing.
Kelly Richardson, a Folsom therapist, works with adolescents.