DEAR KELLY: My mom and dad are going through a rough divorce and really hate each other. My mom bad-mouths my dad and vice versa. They both think the other was to blame for the divorce, and my mom swears that my dad was cheating, even though he says he never did.
My problem is that I am going into my sophomore year of high school, and I have my first boyfriend. I like him so much and think he's a great guy. He listens to me all the time when I talk about my parents' divorce and lets me vent when they won't stop fighting. He swears he would never cheat on me and has admitted he really likes me a lot.
My mom thinks differently and swears that "all men cheat" and I shouldn't get too attached to him because "men will always let you down and tell you lies and hurt you."
I can't tell you how much she tells me this and how old it gets. When I come home happy from being with "Brad," my mom will make some kind of sarcastic comment about how I should enjoy it now because love never lasts. When I have told my mom to stop with the comments, she just says that she loves me and doesn't want to see me get hurt like she did, so she is trying to "soften the blow." I'm so confused and need your help.
– Lacey
DEAR LACEY: Your mom is doing what we call in therapy "projection." She is projecting her feelings and thoughts about love onto your relationship. She can't see clearly enough right now to realize that your relationship with Brad is different than her relationship with your dad. Instead, she shares her hurt and anger at your dad by telling you to watch out and be careful. Her projection of love is negative, and you are the one feeling the wrath.
Hand your mom this newspaper and let her read what you wrote. Maybe by reading what she is doing, she will start to get it. Hopefully after you hand her this column, she will read my note to her as well.
Regardless of whether she sees this column, enjoy your time with Brad and have fun getting to know him. When your mom makes her comments, simply let them roll off your back. Not all men cheat, and there are no guarantees that Brad will break your heart.
DEAR MOM: It's OK to be angry and hurt that your marriage ended. But it's not OK to make your daughter suffer because you feel you got burned. If you can't see past your wounds enough to be happy for your daughter experiencing her first boyfriend, then I suggest you find a good therapist to help you process your feelings and learn to work through them.
Your daughter should have the right to believe in falling in love and staying in love. If you continue your cynicism about relationships, she will no longer want to talk with you or share this part of her life with you. In the end, you will miss out on many special moments with your daughter.
If she gets hurt, she will live and learn. Support her. Love her. Listen to her. Be happy for her. Set your feelings aside and give your daughter the chance to figure out life for herself.
Write to Kelly Richardon at Teen Talk, The Sacramento Bee, P.O. Box 15880, Sacramento, CA 95852, or e-mail krichardson@sacbee.com.
About Comments
Reader comments on Sacbee.com are the opinions of the writer, not The Sacramento Bee. If you see an objectionable comment, click the "report abuse" button below it. We will delete comments containing inappropriate links, obscenities, hate speech, and personal attacks. Flagrant or repeat violators will be banned. See more about comments here.