Moderator: Good evening and welcome to the Kamala Harris-Loretta Sanchez U.S. Senate debate. First, some ground rules. Each candidate has 1 minute to respond and 30 seconds for a rebuttal, an exasperated sigh, an exaggerated facial expression, a guffaw or a hand/body gesture called the “dab.”
Questioner: Attorney General Harris, here is the first question. Foreign policy is a big issue this year. How would you define your foreign policy?
Harris: My foreign policy would be a policy that extends to foreign countries, such as Sweden, the one that looks like a boot, the really big one that’s red on my globe, and Nebraska. These foreign countries deserve a policy that is foreign in nature.
Sanchez: If elected, I will recognize foreign countries that are completely antithetical to American values, such as the Bay Area and its rich elitist snobs. Just sayin’.
Questioner: Congresswoman Sanchez, some people have questioned your composure in this race. Do you think that composure is important?
Sanchez: Only Bay Area snob elitist private jet fliers on the take from Trump have a problem with my composure, and I angrily resent it.
Harris: As I stand here in my cool, understated navy suit and beautiful hair, which slightly covers my right eye just a tiny bit, I will mellifluously respond in a Lauren Bacall-like but senatorial voice to my opponent later, or perhaps not.
Questioner: Attorney General Harris, can you describe your experience in military policy?
Harris: As you know, the military is critical to any policy that involves direct military intervention, which is a kind of army thing. Or the big gray boats with guns on them. They have them during Fleet Week in San Francisco. Our military is essential to our country, which is not foreign, but, I forcefully and fervently believe, domestic.
Sanchez: I am on the Armed Services Committee. ARMED. SERVICES. COMMITTEE. The House committee that deals directly with armed services that are armed.
Harris: Can you get my friends a ride on a private jet?
Moderator: Let’s move on.
Questioner: To both candidates, which Senate committees would you like to serve on?
Harris: I haven’t really thought about this at all as I have spent the past two years and change thinking about running for and then serving as a senator from San Francisco. I mean, the United States. The thought of which committee has never, ever, crossed my mind one single time. I am just focusing on my inevitable election that I have barely had to lift a finger to win.
Sanchez: I’d like to serve on the Senate Armed Services Committee, and I promise I would regularly attend many of the meetings.
Moderator: Now for the closing statements.
Sanchez: As I unsuccessfully modulate my voice delivery, I am reminded of a man I met in Orange County who told me that I am from Orange County and not from the Communist elitist pampered Bay Area with a $2.3 million 780-square-foot condo. And, in closing, I will do the dab while my opponent stares and then laughs uncomfortably. Thank you.
Harris: I don’t know much about history. I don’t know much biology. Don’t know much about the French I took. But I do know I love you, and I know that if you love me too what a wonderful world this would be. As I look almost dumbfounded at my opponent, I will say that I can’t promise I can do the dab. Thank you.
Moderator: Next, an Ickey Shuffle lesson. Good night.