Some scientist claimed the other day that California has one year’s worth of water left. Notwithstanding the many assumptions he makes, I wondered what a post-water California would look like.
Upside: Reason to finally change the name of the Los Angeles Lakers to something more fitting: The Traffic Jams.
Downside: Los Angeles River looks exactly the same.
Upside: Edmund G. Brown Sr. Aqueduct becomes world’s longest skate park.
Downside: SeaWorld becomes SustainablePlantWorld.
Upside: Shamu finally has to get a job.
Downside: Jeff Koons’ plop art sculpture “This is a Big Glass of Water My Kid Drew” fetches $10.5 million, and is plopped in front of new arena.
Upside: All state fishing licenses now free.
Downside: Delta smelt unionize and become public employees with full CalPERS pension rights.
Upside: No more Shrimp Boy.
Downside: “Keep Tahoe Blue” bumper stickers refer to spray-painting the lakebed.
Upside: We can go back to drinking as much sugary soda as we want.
Downside: “Waterworld” becomes most popular movie ever.
Upside: You want to fire the pool guy? Fire the pool guy.
Downside: Goodbye, Almond Joy.
Upside: No more drunken American River rafters.
Downside: Silicon Desert.
Upside: No waiting at Raging Waters aqua park.
Downside: Sacramento Rivercats become Sacramento Feralcats.
Upside: O’Shaughnessy Dam comes down and Hetch Hetchy issue is solved.
Downside: You can’t cancel the flood insurance for six months.
Upside: Waiters don’t interrupt conversation at key moments with pesky water refills.
Upside: No legislators have to vote for a rainy day fund.
Downside: SpongeBob Squarepants refers to actual panting.
Upside: We can stop pretending Salton Sea is a sea.
Downside: Raging Santa Monica brush fires extinguished with 1989 Pouilly-Fuissé chardonnay.
Upside: Napa, Malibu and Lake Tahoe become much more affordable.
Downside: Paul Petrovich doesn’t have to put in any stinkin’ lake in Curtis Park Village.
Downside: Paul Petroleumvich puts in new 12-pump gas station in Curtis Park Village, calls it a fountain.
Upside: All water features 100 percent off.
Downside: Nude hot tub parties become nude middle-aged people standing-in-crate parties. (Sorry for the mind picture.)
Upside: Neighborhood water narcs have to go back to muttering about how you don’t properly maintain your dust and gravel garden.
Downside: Evian: $4,500/bottle.
Upside: Gin and vodka are very similar in appearance to water, and much cheaper.
Upside: You want to live on a sailboat, go live on a sailboat. There are 265,000 of them abandoned on the shoulder of I-80.
Downside: Lake Shasta forced to review marina pricing structure.
Upside: Complicated and boring Bay Delta Conservation Plan newspaper articles disappear.
Downside: New exhibit at Crocker Art Museum: “Watercolors: A Dead Medium.”
Downside: New exhibit at California History Museum: “State Government Water Coolers: A 100 Year Retrospective.”
Downside: New exhibit at Sacramento Zoo: “Scorpionland.”
Downside: 623 million chemical toilets.
Upside: The chemical toilets come in a wide variety of bold colors.
Downside: You can’t blame your stomach fat on “water weight gain.”
Upside: You won’t EVER die from drowning.
Downside: Have you ever wondered what’s on the bottom of the Sacramento River? You’re going to find out.
Upside: Huge money savings on water treatment facilities.
Upside: No more radiator repair rip-off artists.
Downside: No more plumbers, just plumbers’ cracks.
Upside: Learning to whitewater kayak is off your bucket list.
Upside: You can forget about the water in scotch and water.
Upside: Squeegee guy? What squeegee guy?
Upside: No more water jokes.