Jack Ohman

Editorial cartoonist, writer and Joe King’s alter ego

Speeches when the San Francisco-Oakland Bay Bridge finally opens

05/20/2013 5:14 PM

05/20/2013 5:31 PM

FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE.

MEDIA CONTACT: ASSEMBLY SPEAKER STEVE GLAZER

  REMARKS BY DIGNITARIES AT SAN FRANCISCO/OAKLAND BAY BRIDGE OPENING

September 1, 2029

President Kevin Johnson: "Today marks a new beginning in San Francisco and Oakland, and for CalTrans. After negotiating with the Maloofs, who purchased the scrap heap of the remains of the original new design which was to open 16 years ago, to the formation of a new private ownership group consisting of the Sons of The Whales, I am proud to dedicate this new bridge. Fortunately, with the addition of a 125,000 space on-bridge parking structure, this project will remain on firm financial footing for decades to come. Now I must return to the White House and sign the Comprehensive Middle East Peace Agreement, which I personally negotiated."

San Francisco Mayor Tim Lincecum: "Dudes, this bridge is completely heinous. Sick. What?"

Oakland Mayor Gavin Newsom: "After losing the Lt. Governorship to an attractive female news anchor, turning to Buddhism, and jump- starting my career as your mayor, I still retain my lovely head of soft yet durable hair, which is remarkably breeze-resistant in the wind over the bay, I can assure you that that this bridge will withstand even an earthquake that could flatten my coiffure."

CalTrans Director Wreck-it-Ralph: "This is a proud moment for our agency and this bridge design, which was plagued by design flaws: the Cheetoh bolts were a bad call, and certainly the bamboo trusses were a mistake. Finally, the Tiffany glass rivets were replaced, and now I am very confident that we can drive dozens of cars at once over the bridge if there's no breeze. At all."

Governor Jerry Brown: "As your governor for the past half century, I know that sh** happens, and sh** will continue to happen. When we faced the crisis of the Central Valley high speed train accidentally going to Iowa, and the Delta Tunnel inadvertently plumbed into and draining the Hetchy Hetchy Reservoir, returning it to its natural state, I knew that not only does sh** happen, but sometimes good sh** happens, too. I'd like to announce that I will be a candidate for re-election in 2030. My slogan will be 'Re-re-re-re-re-re-re-Elect Governor Brown: Shoo-ins Happen."

-30-

 

About This Blog

Jack Ohman joined The Sacramento Bee in 2013. He previously worked at the Oregonian, the Detroit Free Press and the Columbus Dispatch. His work is syndicated to more than 200 newspapers by Tribune Media Services. Jack has won the Robert F. Kennedy Journalism Award, the Scripps Foundation Award and the national SPJ Award, and he was a finalist for the Pulitzer Prize in 2012 and the Herblock Prize in 2013. Contact Jack at johman@sacbee.com. Twitter: @JACKOHMAN.

 

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