Jack Ohman

June 4, 2013

New Dunkin' Donut breakfast sandwich leaves my eyes glazed...

Jack Ohman

Editorial cartoonist, writer and Joe King’s alter ego

Although this is precisely what the Dunkin' Donuts corporation (NYSE symbol:EKG) probably wants (free publicity, snide remarks, viral marketing), I am going to write about what I consider to be the largest harbinger of the end of American civilization:

The Dunkin' Donut Breakfast Sandwich. 

The Dunkin' Donut Breakfast Sandwich is a glazed donut with a fried egg and bacon in the middle. Thank God it's not baked in, which is probably the next step, along with a referral card for a local cardiologist. 

I know that there are certain tastes that, oddly, work very well together, being someone who has lost about 30 pounds since last June (humble but starved brag). Peanut butter and chocolate, root beer and ice cream, coffee and cigarettes, Michael Douglas and Catherine Zeta Jones come immediately to mind. But putting a donut together with bacon and eggs is just, I don't know, so wretchedly excessive that I wonder just how that pitch meeting went down at Dunkin' Donuts.

"As you can see from this PowerPoint, we field-tested this sandwich in Cincinnati, Dallas, and Salt Lake City. 100 percent of the subjects said they liked donuts, they liked bacon, and they liked eggs. So this sandwich is the next logical step."

"Susan, did you ask them if they liked prime rib, lime jello, and sauerkraut all mashed together, too, or did you ask them if they liked them separately?"

"Bob, we just rammed all three into their mouths simultaneously while they were blindfolded, and they all burped and smiled."

Naturally, as a born-again food fusser, I immediately avoid any culinary fun unless it involves kale and edamame, which is a big night out for me now. But the audacity of putting bacon and eggs in between glazed donut halves rivaled my reaction when McCain put Palin on the ticket.

Of course, rival fast food outlets must be preparing their return volley right now. Leaked documents from major competitors paint a new escalation in the breakfast sandwich war:

--McDonald's McPizza Hershey (c) French Fry Croissant.

--Krispy Kreme's Choco-Gruyere-N-Hollandaise Breakfast Tarts.

--Starbucks' Drinkable Donut with Whipped Creme and a Bacon Swizzle Stick. 

--Burger King's Bacon-infused Bacon-wrapped Baconbread Stuft (I saw a pizza chain actually use this word once and I wanted to try it out) with Bacon Butter.

This all kind of is making me hungry, so I am going to stop writing this. 

I'm making a nice donut salad for dinner.

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