You may have noted that the 2016 presidential election started this month, which is not a moment too soon, I say. I mean, we just reelected Barack Obama eight months ago, and we're already bored with him.
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People often ask me, "Jack, as a patriotic American, to whom can loyal citizens and patriots turn to as our Democratic and Republican nominees in this, our hour of need?" I answer, "Fellow citizen, as a newspaper artiste and essayist (I always use my fancy titles when talking to regular people), I can tell you that it is incumbent upon to me to recommend two upstanding Americans who will provide me with the best material. The heck with your needs."
Then I tell them FDR and Lincoln.
OK. That was a canard, to keep the overly embellished language going. I will handicap the candidates for you based on my desires in order:
1. I want Chris Christie. Why? He's like a re-inflated Hindenburg, which crashed in New Jersey. He's loud. He can't keep his shirt tucked in on a bet. He does whatever he wants to do when he wants to do it. He'll eat foreign leaders he doesn't get along with.
2. I'll take Ted Cruz next, because he looks like a guy I knew in college whom I detest. His face looks like he's about to peel it off to reveal The True Villain. Plus he's got the necessary messiah complex: his name means "cross" in Spanish.
3. Rand Paul. I really think that, having elected Mitch McConnell, Kentucky should take a break from providing national leadership, other than in fried chicken. Plus, he's named after one of the most tedious famous novelists ever, although I wish his middle initial were U., then I could go with the Ru Paul joke.
4. NOT MARCO RUBIO. He's so Senior Class President. Ugh.
5. That other libertarian guy. From Wisconsin. You know. No, the other one.
1. Hillary Clinton, duh. Then I get to draw two presidents for an entire term. And she ain't gonna be the first one I turn to for material.
2. Joe Biden, but barely. Biden's teeth alone look like the last thing you'll see alive right before a 1955 Buick hits you in a crosswalk. Biden doesn't give speeches, he creates captions.
3. Joe Biden.
5. Thought I would throw Anthony Weiner on a lark.
So those are my picks, based on a nation's yearning for stability, competence, leadership, and above all, our children's future.
But I'm writing in Norm Lopez and Sutter.