I noted, almost without spitting out my coffee all over my computer screen, the story in The Sacramento Bee today about one in five middle aged Sacramento adults not having sex in the past year, according to a UCLA study. I can guarantee you that one in five male middle-aged Sacramento adults forgot their anniversary and/or birthday.
I’m not sure why UCLA would be surveying middle aged Sacramento sex frequency, but I’m sure there is an excellent academic reason for it, or UCLA stands for Using Craigslist Account.
Normally, this kind of statistic draws me into all sorts of cartoon ideas, and virtually all of them patently unusable. I haven’t ruled all of them out, yet, but I am going to write about it.
Frankly, I believe the number “one in five” to be somewhat of an understatement, based on conversations I have had with other unnamed middle aged men in my own private survey, taken scientifically over beers and on golf courses over the past year.
Of course, I have only lived here nine months, so my sample is skewed. I’d like to add some of my own statistics that will complement the UCLA study. The findings:
1. Just over half (51 percent) of middle aged men reported that they “have received sex from their spouse or partner in exchange for simple household chores, or even just getting up off the sofa.”
2. About two in three middle-aged Sacramento men reported that they “remembered sex from the 1980s.”
3. 86 percent of married male middle-aged men reported they had sex “for a birthday present, and that was way better than another socket set.”
4. Also, 86 percent of the married middle-aged female respondents would have chosen the socket set.
5. Middle aged sex was reported to be “fine” by about 71 percent of the respondents, and “a complete shock” to 29 percent.
6. Almost 90 percent of the middle aged Sacramentans reported that living in Sacramento had nothing to do with their sexual performance, but they felt that “things might be a little racier in Davis.”
7. 78 percent of middle aged male GOP Sacramentans blamed “Obama” as the main reason for lack of sex, and an overwhelming 89 percent of middle aged male Democratic Sacramentans blamed “greedy Wall Street businessmen.” 100 percent of both GOP and Democratic male Sacramentans’ spouses or partners blamed “not brushing teeth” or “fat guts” as the main reason.
8. 56 percent of middle aged Sacramentans were convinced that “everyone” in San Francisco has more sex than they did.
9. About four in ten male middle-aged Sacramentans believed that “a new arena probably couldn’t hurt” their sex lives, but a whopping 88 percent said the Farm to Fork Movement will “have no lasting effect” on their sex lives.
10. 78 of middle aged female Sacramentans wanted to “have sex with Gavin Newsom’s hair,” but only 47 percent would have sex with Gavin Newsom.
11. 100 percent of middle aged Sacramentans reported that these were the only jokes about the survey that made it through The Sacramento Bee editors, virtually all of whom are 50-59 years old, and one in five of whom seemed grumpy.