Many Americans have questions about the implementation of the Affordable Care Act, formerly known as “Obamacare.” I’ve noticed that because the rollout didn’t go so well, the White House, sensing danger, seems to have cut out the reference to “Obamacare.” In a news conference the other day, President Obama refered to the ACA as “Sebeliuscare.” I think. They may be cooking up other names as well.
Anyway, as a public service, let’s go right to the Q&A:
Q: How do I sign up for this socialized medicine everyone seems to be talking about on Fox News?
A: Obamacare isn’t socialized medicine. It’s a socialist insurance market that directly benefits the socialist big insurance companies. All of the GOP socialists came up with it a few years ago in order to make sure that all of the socialist executives in the insurance industry would be able to force you to buy insurance. Socialist former Gov. Mitt Romney first tried it in Massachusetts. But there’s good news! The way to get socialized medicine is to move to the socialist nation of Canada, currently being governed by the socialist Conservative Prime Minister Stephen Harper, or move to Great Britain, led by socialist Conservative Prime Minister David Cameron.
Q: I can’t sign into the ACA/Sebeliuscare website. Why?
A: Did you try restarting your computer? If that didn’t work, did you call the National Security Agency for help? You can just talk to them right into your online video game that you’re currently playing.
Q: President Obama said “if you like your plan, you can keep it.” Is that true?
A: Of course it’s not true. What he meant to say was, “I really meant to drive my approval rating down 20 points in five days, so I hyperbolically asserted that in order to make sure that anything I say in the future is immediately suspect.”
Q: I have been able to sign on to the ACA/Sebeliuscare/Commieplan website, but it’s really complicated. For example, I can’t get my roleplay avatar the costume I want, and I can’t go to Level Five unless I steal seventy bars of gold. Help!
A: It’s possible that you’re still currently on a online video game. Again, contact the National Security Agency.
Q: I was born in 1929. I am trying to sign on to the ACA/Sebeliuscare/Commieplan/EuroHealth website, but all I can do is post photos of my grandchildren on Facebook. However, I can fill out a paper Medicare form in my sleep, survived the Great Depression, and I won World War II for you ingrates. Any suggestions?
A: Yes. Facebook is out. Go to Pinterest.
Q: I’m 25, have two masters degrees, and cannot find a job yet. I live with my parents. Can I stay on my parents’ health care plan? Can I redecorate my room, which still has Mighty Morphin Power Rangers wallpaper and six Furbies?
A: Under the ACA/Sebeliuscare/Commieplan/EuroHealth/CYACalifornia system, you may not redecorate your room until you turn 26. You may ask your Furbies for decorating advice, but not medical advice.
Q: I have a pre-existing condition called “I Cannot Find The Proper Button On My Remote Disorder.” I also suffer from “Reading Glasses Location Blindness Syndrome.” In addition, I have “Inability To Remember Whether I Washed My Hair Disease.” And “There Are Weird Ridges On My Fingernailitis.” Will these pre-existing conditions be covered under the ACASCCPEHCYACA plan?
A: No. But if you have Acascpehcyaca, you may be eligible for a subsidy. If you experience it for more than four hours, contact your doctor immediately.