With most of the election returns in, the American people have elected a Republican U.S. Senate. Of course, we’ve had them before, but none quite like this one. Just what, precisely, will the next two years look like? Here’s my prediction:
WASHINGTON (AP) - Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell today formed new Environment and Public Works subcommittees to reflect the election results.
“I am very excited to announce the Keystone XL Subcommittee, the Coal Subcommittee and the Hey, If Global Warming Is Real, Explain Why It’s Still Cold in Cleveland, HUH? Subcommittee. Sen. Boxer is now in a safe house in the rebel enclave of San Francisco.”
WASHINGTON (AP) - Senate Armed Services Committee Chairman John McCain expressed “profound grumpiness about everything” today in remarks to Secretary of Defense Chuck Hagel, who agreed to a GOP-backed helium-propelled nuclear space bomber/glider/dirigible program.
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WASHINGTON (AP) - Senate Judiciary Committee Chairman Charles Grassley castrated a live hog on national television today as he welcomed Sen. Joni Ernst to the upper chamber.
WASHINGTON (AP) Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell lifted a smoking ban on the Senate floor today, calling it a “victory for Kentucky tobacco farmers.”
HOUSTON (AP) - New Senate Majority Leader Ted Cruz, who took power in a dramatic daylight raid, told a crowd of supporters that he will relocate the U.S. Senate to a private country club in suburban Houston.
CHICAGO (AP) - President-in-exile Barack Obama boarded a flight for Honolulu today when insurgent GOP senators cut off all federal funding for community organizing.
SACRAMENTO (AP) - Former GOP Sen. Scott Brown established residency in California today and immediately declared his candidacy for Sen. Dianne Feinstein’s seat in 2018, challenging a third female Democrat for her seat.
TULSA, Okla. (AP) - Senate Environment and Public Works Chairman Jim Inhofe, who earlier likened the Environmental Protection Agency to the Nazi Party, apologized for his remarks today and called the EPA “more like the East German Stasi.”
NASHVILLE, Tenn. (AP) - Senate Foreign Relations Committee Chairman Bob Corker independently cut off all U.S. ties to Russia, Iran, Syria and California today, calling them “dangerous rogue states.”
WASHINGTON (AP) - Sen. Rand Paul declared his candidacy for the 2016 GOP presidential nomination today, calling himself “comparatively sane when you look at a lot of these other guys.”
DES MOINES, Iowa (AP) - Sen. Joni Ernst was arrested today for “hog and/or other swine castration without a license” after Iowa Department of Agriculture agents raided her downtown office.
LAS VEGAS (AP) - Senate Minority Leader Harry Reid sat quietly in a chair all day today.
BULLETIN. WASHINGTON (AP) - Sen. Chuck Schumer, D-N.Y., was eaten alive today by “several freshmen GOP senators,” according to an unnamed Democratic source. MORE
URGENT. WASHINGTON (AP) - Sen. Chuck Schumer was listed in fair condition today as he downplayed reports of being consumed alive by newly elected Republican senators.
“They were just biting my legs, and it was all in the spirit of bipartisanship,” Schumer said.