Two Corinthians, right? Two Corinthians 3:17. That’s the whole ballgame. … Is that the one? Is that the one you like? I think that’s the one you like.
– Donald Trump, preaching the gospel at Liberty University.
The front-runner for the Republican presidential nomination drew laughter from the evangelical students at Liberty University when he bungled the Bible verse he attempted to read to them, introducing it not as “Second Corinthians” but as “Two Corinthians.”
But it doesn’t seem to matter that Trump wouldn’t know a Corinthian from a craps table. Jerry Falwell Jr., president of Liberty and son of the late televangelist, bestowed lavish praise Monday on the thrice-married head of a gambling empire who talks about the need to kill members of terrorists’ families. Trump, on his way to getting a sizable chunk of the evangelical vote, promised: “If I’m president, you’re going to see Merry Christmas in department stores, believe me – believe me.”
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They believe him. So what else is in the gospel according to Trump?
Here’s a first draft of his beatitudes (Great English Standard Version), blending passages from Jesus’ Sermon on the Mount with a mash-up from Trump’s speech to Liberty University.
Seeing the crowds, he went up on the mountain, and when he sat down, his disciples came to him. And he opened his mouth and taught them, saying:
We’re having tremendous crowds, and we’re setting records everywhere. We went to Dallas and the Mavericks Arena, packed, 20,000 people.
Blessed are the poor in spirit, for theirs is the kingdom of heaven. Blessed are the meek, for they shall inherit the earth.
We want to see win, win, win, constant winning. And you’ll see if I’m president, and you’ll say, “Please, Mr. President. We’re winning too much. We can’t stand it anymore. Can we have a loss?” And I’ll say, “No, we’re going to keep winning, winning, winning.”
Blessed are the merciful, for they shall receive mercy. Blessed are the peacemakers, for they shall be called sons of God. … If anyone slaps you on the right cheek, turn to him the other also.
We got to knock the hell out of ISIS. I want a general where we knock the hell out of them fast. We need to build our military so big, so strong, so powerful. Take the oil! Keep the oil!
You are the light of the world. A city set on a hill cannot be hidden. … Let your light shine before others, so that they may see your good works.
We’re going to build a wall. This is a serious wall. And we can do it for the right price.
Whoever insults his brother will be liable to the council; and whoever says, “You fool!” will be liable to the hell of fire.
Obama is a disaster! I hold it against our very stupid leadership in this country. 1 / 8John Kerry 3 / 8 doesn’t have a clue. We get Sergeant Bergdahl, a dirty, rotten traitor. A stiff like Jeb Bush. Low-energy person. I want to see a woman president soon, but not her. She’s a disaster.
Do not lay up for yourselves treasures on earth. … You cannot serve God and money.
They say, “O you can’t build a wall.” So easy! I have to make it look beautiful. Why? Because someday, they’ll name the wall Trump Wall.
Give us this day our daily bread, and forgive us our debts, as we also have forgiven our debtors.
We’re not going to give you any money, no money. We don’t have it. We’re a debtor nation. We owe $19 trillion. We’re not going to give you any money. We’re a poor nation. We protect Germany. We protect Japan. We protect Saudi Arabia. They pay us, like, practically nothing. They’ve got to pay up.
Therefore I tell you, do not be anxious about your life. … Consider the lilies of the field.
We’re not going to have a country left. Everyone is ripping us. We’re getting killed. What’s going on with the crime and the problems? And it could be some sinister plot. The stock market is starting to go down big league and a lot of bad things. Our country is disappearing. Our country is going in the wrong direction and so wrong and it’s got to be stopped and it’s got to be stopped fast.
Beware of false prophets. … You will recognize them by their fruits.
I wrote “The Art of the Deal.” I wrote many best-sellers. The Bible is the best. The Bible, the Bible blows it away. There’s nothing like the Bible, but “The Art of the Deal” was the best-selling business book, and Obama didn’t read it.
Follow Dana Milbank on Twitter @Milbank.