Sacramento Bee Logo

Carolyn Hax: How to deal with a rotten egg in the basket of friends? | The Sacramento Bee

×
  • E-edition
    • Customer Service
    • SacBee Rewards
    • About Us
    • About Us
    • Contact Us
    • Apps
    • Mobile & Apps
    • Twitter, Facebook, Google+, YouTube
    • News in Education (NIE)
  • Newsletters

    • Sacramento Region
    • Arena
    • City Beat
    • Crime
    • Local Govt Salary Database
    • The Homeless
    • Marcos Bretón
    • Transportation
    • Education
    • Environment
    • Health & Medicine
    • Traffic Conditions
    • Weather
    • Communities
    • Elk Grove
    • Folsom/El Dorado
    • Roseville/Placer
    • Yolo
    • Sports
    • Kings
    • NBA News
    • 49ers
    • Giants
    • Oakland A's
    • High School Sports
    • Joe Davidson
    • More Sports
    • Raiders
    • NFL News
    • MLB News
    • River Cats
    • Soccer
    • Colleges
    • Golf
    • Autos Racing
    • Politics
    • Capitol Alert
    • State Workers
    • The California Influencer Series
    • Local Elections
    • PoliGRAPH
    • State Worker Salary Database
    • Legislative Gifts
    • Local Elections
    • California Elections
    • Election Endorsements
    • Election 2018
    • Voter Guide
    • Investigations
    • Data Tracker
    • Public Eye
    • Afghan Refugees
    • Nursing Homes
    • Opinion
    • Editorials
    • Election Endorsements
    • Viewpoints
    • Influencers Opinion
    • California Forum
    • Letters to the Editor
    • Submit a Letter
    • Jack Ohman
    • Editorial Board
    • Entertainment & Life
    • Arts & Theater
    • Books
    • Home & Garden
    • Movies
    • Music
    • Outdoors
    • Pets
    • Travel
    • More Entertainment
    • Events Calendar
    • Horoscopes
    • Comics
    • Puzzles
    • TV Listings
    • Sacbee Rewards
    • Food & Drink
    • Restaurants News & Reviews
    • Restaurant Directory
    • Cooking & Recipes
    • Beer
    • Wine
    • Appetizers Blog
    • California
    • Big Valley
    • Marijuana
    • Wildfires
    • Water & Drought
    • Lottery
    • Business
    • Real Estate
    • Market Summary
    • Cathie Anderson
    • Nation & World
    • National
    • World
    • Technology
    • Family
    • Celebrities
    • TV news
    • Weird News
    • Video Break
    • News Obituaries
    • Death Notices
    • FAQ
    • ObitMessenger
    • In Memoriam

    • The Sacramento Bee Store
    • Golf Card
    • Farm to Fork Dining Card
  • Jobs
  • Moonlighting
  • Cars
  • Homes
  • Classifieds
  • Legal Notices
  • Place an Ad
  • Advertise
  • Mobile & Apps

Columns & Blogs

Carolyn Hax: How to deal with a rotten egg in the basket of friends?

Adapted from a recent online discussion.

DEAR CAROLYN: A woman in my general friend circle is the worst. She doesn’t have a grasp on reality, every choice she makes I would make the opposite. She’s boisterous and loud. My boyfriend is great friends with her husband, and I don’t think it’s fair to exclude her when we do something together, but I feel like a “mean girl” because the minute she leaves I just complain to my boyfriend about how annoying she is and her latest tacky faux pas. I am not a mean girl normally, but ugh this woman grinds my gears!

She isn’t leaving the friendly circle anytime soon. So (1) how can I deal with this extremely difficult person for the foreseeable future (two to three times per month) when cutting her out is meaner than bashing her to my boyfriend? (2) Any tips for how to get past this mean behavior? I feel stress relief when I bash her, and knowing that about myself is upsetting!

Am I Catty?

Sign Up and Save

Get six months of free digital access to The Sacramento Bee

SUBSCRIBE WITH GOOGLE

#ReadLocal

DEAR CATTY: So, no Bridget-Jonesian charm to her loud awkwardness?

Seems like there might be something interesting to why this person finds all your raw nerves. She’s not mean, apparently, she’s not harming people, right? Not undermining your friendships with others in the group? Not shouting you down politically, not abusing her husband, not isolating him from his loved ones … ? So why such an issue?

Or, the same point from the other side: Doesn’t that leave room for you to find something to like?

If you’re just repulsed at some animal level you can’t justify, or if she is in fact harmful and you merely didn’t specify that in your question, then putting up with her in service of the friendship with her spouse, and then allowing yourself to blow off some steam afterward for a brief, fixed amount of time, seems like a workable coping mechanism to me.

FOR MS. CATTY: I was doing this to a couple people who grated on me – silently counting up the ways they annoyed me and then bashing them to my husband afterward in the car. But I didn’t like the way it made me feel either, and finally I realized I was mostly snarking on them in order to feel better about myself.

I’m sure there are lots of ways to deal with that (like therapy, probably) but the most effective thing for me has been to spend the drive to each event imagining how I would react to them if I genuinely liked those people, and then acting that way – as if they were my sisters and I loved them in spite of their quirks. For instance, I forced myself to mentally recast the “loud and boisterous” girl as “playful and outgoing” and to appreciate what she brought to each gathering.

It took some time for me to break the habit of complaining afterward, but wow do I enjoy those parties more.

Anonymous

RE: CATTY: I tend to be quiet and reserved. I actually enjoy the company of boisterous people. I think it helps keep me grounded to realize there are different ways of being, and lots of ways work and are fun. Makes the world interesting.

Anonymous2

I love these perspectives, thank you.

Email Carolyn at tellme@washpost.com, follow her on Facebook at www.facebook.com/carolyn.hax or chat with her online at noon Eastern time each Friday at www.washingtonpost.com.

  Comments  

Videos

Video: Why is this spotted skunk doing a handstand?

Watch helicopter rescue people from flooding in San Bernardino County

View More Video

Trending Stories

Will ‘basic income’ become the California norm? Stockton starts $500 no-strings payments

February 15, 2019 03:30 AM

Gavin Newsom says California plans to sue Donald Trump over national emergency declaration

February 15, 2019 10:32 AM

Do the 49ers go after a big-name receiver to replace Garçon? Big names keep popping up

February 15, 2019 05:46 PM

Rocklin teen’s murder sentence in sister’s death upheld, as judge calls new law unconstitutional

February 15, 2019 05:33 PM

Highway 50, Interstate 80 reopen as winter storm snarls travel in Sierra

February 15, 2019 05:18 PM

Read Next

Great America’s floorless Patriot roller coaster opens today, and we have a preview

Video Break

Great America’s floorless Patriot roller coaster opens today, and we have a preview

By David Caraccio

dcaraccio@sacbee.com

    ORDER REPRINT →

April 01, 2017 10:17 AM

California’s Great America, the amusement park in Santa Clara, opened last weekend for the season, but on Saturday it launched its new, floorless roller coaster called the Patriot.

KEEP READING

Sign Up and Save

#ReadLocal

Get six months of free digital access to The Sacramento Bee

SUBSCRIBE WITH GOOGLE

MORE COLUMNS & BLOGS

Apple updates iPad line, launches red iPhone 7

Video Break

Apple updates iPad line, launches red iPhone 7

March 21, 2017 08:38 AM
Watch train blast bystanders with a wall of snow

Video Break

Watch train blast bystanders with a wall of snow

March 17, 2017 09:30 AM
Spectacular crash after SUV slams into gas pump

Video Break

Spectacular crash after SUV slams into gas pump

March 15, 2017 06:39 AM
Sacramento actor Keith Powers of ‘Straight Outta Compton’ fame reveals concept trailer for his short film

Video Break

Sacramento actor Keith Powers of ‘Straight Outta Compton’ fame reveals concept trailer for his short film

March 14, 2017 01:22 PM
Mom who mocked pregnant giraffe livestream gives birth

Video Break

Mom who mocked pregnant giraffe livestream gives birth

March 09, 2017 07:26 AM
Sacramento woman wows ‘The Voice’ cast, moves on

Video Break

Sacramento woman wows ‘The Voice’ cast, moves on

March 08, 2017 10:21 AM
Take Us With You

Real-time updates and all local stories you want right in the palm of your hand.

Icon for mobile apps

The Sacramento Bee App

View Newsletters

Subscriptions
  • Start a Subscription
  • Customer Service
  • eEdition
  • Vacation Hold
  • Pay Your Bill
  • Rewards
Learn More
  • About Us
  • Contact Us
  • Newsletters
  • News in Education
  • Photo Store
Advertising
  • Place a Classified Ad
  • Place a Legal Notice
  • Place a Digital Ad
  • Place a Newspaper Ad
Copyright
Commenting Policy
Corrections Policy
Privacy Policy
Terms of Service


Back to Story