DEAR KELLY: Recently I went bowling for my friend’s birthday. We met some really cute guys who were bowling next to us. We had fun with them then all went out again the next night. One guy and I totally seemed to connect, so we started Snapchatting each other pretty regularly. I told my some of friends I really liked him. Two weeks ago, we met at a coffee shop and just talked and hung out. He introduced me to his dog, and I really started liking him after that. I posted a picture on my snap story of us hanging out with his dog and how cute his dog was. I love my group of friends, but the next day one of my friends came over and told me that another one of our good friends had been talking to the same guy a lot and she liked him, too. He likes her too, supposedly. Neither of us knew about the other one. My friend told me that our other friend was so upset when she saw the snap story because she really liked him. It’s a big deal because she has really low self-esteem and doesn’t think a lot of guys like her. Basically, my friend asked me not to talk with him anymore and let my other friend have him because, “it’s easier for me to find other guys than it is for her.” I didn’t know what to say and said I would think about it. Is it fair for my friends to expect me to give her the guy just because she has low self-esteem? And by the way, if you looked at her Instagram, it does not look like she has low self esteem from her pictures. She posts pictures all the time of her at the lake or in the pool and shows what a good body she has, and everyone tells her how pretty she is. I don’t know what to do. It’s so hard to know which is the right thing to do. I don’t want to lose my friends over this, but I don’t think its fair I have to give up a person. I like to keep my friends.
DEAR LEFT OUT: Let me get this straight: You both liked the same guy and he was smooth talking both of you without you knowing it, and now you are both still wanting to be with him after all that? Your letter doesn’t tell me if you asked the guy why he was talking to both of you, what his intentions were and why he thought he could get away with it? I’m sure you like him, but what confuses me is why. The rational thing would be to get your stories straight with your friend and find out if he was saying the same thing to both of you. If he was, why on earth would you chase after him? Wouldn’t he have showed his true colors through his actions? Regardless of how nice he seemed, he was playing you both, and the red flags are waving.
If I am just sticking to your question, the answer is no. It is not fair for your friend to ask you to back off so she can talk with him. She doesn’t own him and just because she likes him doesn’t mean you are supposed to back off, regardless of her self-esteem issues. That being said, I have to reference back to what I said earlier which is why would you want to keep talking with him if he isn’t a sincere and honest guy? Handing him off to her might be doing yourself a favor. If she wants to date a player, that’s her choice, but you shouldn’t fight over a guy who doesn’t sound worthy of fighting for.
Evaluate the consequences (good or bad) about continuing to talk with his guy. Decide if it’s worth it. If you still want to talk with him, then tell your friend that you like him as well and you don’t want to stop talking with him but you also won’t ask her to do the same. At the very least enter into things in an honest and open way with her so she doesn’t feel you are betraying your friendship by talking with him behind her back. Agree to let things play out and see how they shake down. If liking the same guy is just too much to deal with, then do what you can to move on from it. Go out with your friends and let this go go. Whatever you do, don’t let him come between you both. No matter how cool or hot he seems, no guy is worth breaking up a valued friendship for.
Remember that it’s not a competition. No friendship needs that kind of problem. Competing against your friend can lead to unwanted arguments, resentment, jealousy and a host of other things. She was there before this guy, and you want her to be there after him, too.