DEAR KELLY: Recently my friends and I went to a big bonfire I thought was going to be really fun because half of my school was there. The guy who has been texting me all the time was there, only he was flirting with another girl all night and it made it really awkward.
When she went to the bathroom, I went up to him and asked, “What’s up?” He said that we aren’t official, so he has been doing nothing wrong. He actually kissed me before she got back and told me that he thought I looked really pretty. Then when she came back he went back to her and gave her all the attention.
Later, she posted a picture of them all snuggly and put something like “that boy melts me.” When he texted me the next day, I asked him why she wrote that. He said he doesn’t know why but that they aren’t a couple and it was just a picture. He asked me to hang out the next night, and so we did and it was great. I told him I was going to post a picture of us, and he was just fine with it and didn’t seem to care that she would see it. I posted the cutest selfie of us and just wrote, “He just makes me happy.” Apparently she got really mad and texted him asking what was up. He told her the same thing he told me – he isn’t official with anyone and he can do whatever he wants. Later on that day, the other girl tweeted, “I hate it when girls break the code and go after another girl’s man.” I subtweeted: “I hate it when girls think they own boys. If you aren’t official, then he’s not yours.
Tell me that I’m right that “girl code” is only if they are official. You can’t just call dibs on a guy if he really isn’t yours. She and her friends are way out of bounds, right?
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DEAR SHAWNIE: It’s funny (not in a ha-ha kind of way, more in a shake-my-head kind of way) that you and she are battling and he’s nowhere to be seen. He stirred the pot, then left things to boil over and start a fire. Isn’t he the one who started all of this? Isn’t he the one playing both of you against each other by having a “thing” with both of you? Isn’t he the common problem between the two of you? Perhaps you need to stop pointing fingers at each other and start looking at where the problem originated and who seems to have started it all and seems to be watching the whole thing blow up.
Why would you play into this? Why let him kiss you when she goes to the bathroom, then have him go back to lavishing attention on her when she’s back? What kind of message are you sending him? Use me when she steps away but push me away when she’s back? Is that really what you want him to think about you? Are you disposable?
If you aren’t official and he wants to text, hang with and kiss other girls, then why are you with him? If you like being with him or he’s fun to hang out with, be friends. There is nothing wrong with being friends with him, but friends don’t kiss or make out. If he is a friend, treat him as you would another guy friend. Leave your heart out of it. Be firm and say that if he decides he wants to pursue something with just you, not you and five other girls, he can contact you. Until then, friend-zone him.
Don’t make this more about the competition of getting him and proving the other girl and her friends wrong. Honestly, he doesn’t sound worth all that effort.
Stand up for yourself. Stop making this a her-vs.-you thing. It’s not. It’s him vs. both of you – and he’s winning. Lay down your boundaries and respect yourself too much to be someone’s second or third.