DEAR KELLY: My boyfriend and I think we are ready to have sex (10 months together). The problem is that every time we start to do it, something happens like we hear noises and think it’s his parents. One time we forgot the condom. My boyfriend is getting frustrated and wants to go to the river or a parking lot at night and do it in his car, but I feel like my first time it shouldn’t be in a car. For some reason that just seems wrong to do something so special in a car let alone worry that someone might see us.
I asked my friends who have had sex and they said that the first time is painful and awkward and it’s not usually special. I’m torn. My boyfriend says he’ll do whatever I want, but I know he’s ready and if I keep waiting I think there might never be a perfect time or perfect place. Maybe what I’m wanting only comes from books or movies. Any advice? Please help me because this is stressing me out and right now it seems like all I think about.
DEAR AMANDA: Sometimes the universe talks to us and we don’t listen. When signs keep pointing to “This isn’t a good idea” or “Maybe we aren’t as ready as we think we are,” we need to stop and listen to what the world is trying to tell us.
Sign Up and Save
Get six months of free digital access to The Sacramento Bee
I want to applaud you for having the good sense to stop when you realized you didn’t have the condom. That takes self-control and it’s not easy in the moment. Many people forge forward in that heated moment and tell themselves that you can’t get pregnant the first time. They are completely wrong, and so many young girls end up pregnant because of situations just like yours. Way to be wise and make a smart decision in a moment that could have been life changing.
What does being “ready to have sex” look like to you? Does it mean you hit a certain amount of time that you have been dating, or maybe you feel like your relationship is special and you want to show him you love him? Is it because you want to keep him happy or because you feel like everyone else is doing it? Do you feel like because you said you loved each other that means sex follows, or because you hit a certain age it’s time to have sex? If you are afraid to get caught or busted for having sex, what does that tell you? Whatever your reason is for feeling like you are ready, maybe it’s time to pause and reevaluate your thoughts.
You are 100 percent correct that the first time should be special. Please don’t compromise this. Your friends who say it’s no biggie are doing you a disservice. It is a big deal, and it should be an unforgettable memory, not one that makes you grimace every time you think of it.
Having high expectations for a “special moment” is a wonderful thing. Just doing it in a car to get it done with would not be special, nor would it be comfortable. Why rush something you have held so sacred just to get it done? Why settle for a parking lot? Why lower the bar of what you wanted it to be like just to avoid your boyfriend’s frustration?
Don’t stress out about waiting to have sex. Perhaps some of the stress is unsureness. Only have sex when you are totally ready, not when you think you might be. Don’t do something in the moment just to get it done only to have regrets and disappointment once it’s done. If you are stressed about it, tell your boyfriend you need to table the idea for a little while until it no longer feels stressful. If he cares about you, he will be understanding and agreeable to what you need.
If he gets frustrated or upset by your request, perhaps he’s not the guy to choose as your first partner.
Rose petals and soft music don’t make the first time perfect. Being with someone who loves you, values you and who you are in a committed and caring relationship with is more important. Don’t give away in a car or in a parking lot something you have saved for so long to someone who is not willing or ready to wait until you, the time and the place are all perfect.