Teen Talk

Teen Talk: Confrontation at boyfriend’s house strains relationships

Kelly Richardson
Kelly Richardson Sacramento Bee Staff Photo

DEAR KELLY: I need your help. I’ve been going with the same guy, “Marco,” for five months. I’m so in love with him, and he’s perfect for me. We liked each other for six months before, but I was going out with someone. Then he was going out with someone and the timing was never right. He asked me to homecoming, and we’ve been together since.

Here is where I need help. Three weekends ago, I was supposed to go hang out with him, and he said he got in trouble and his mom was making him stay home. So I went to a party and hung out with friends. At the party someone let it slip that he wasn’t in trouble and he didn’t have to stay home, but that another girl who he claims is “just a friend” came over and they watched Netflix and chilled all night.

When I heard, I flipped out and drove over there (along with two carloads of my friends who followed to watch and see what happened) and there was a total scene outside his house because I was so upset. Marco wasn’t mad I was flipping out but was more upset because his mom had to come outside and see the whole thing because there was yelling and crying. The other girl came outside and I was screaming at her and called her names, and things got ugly. He has two younger sisters and they saw the whole thing, and I guess it really upset them.

Marco says that nothing happened and that they were just friends, but I seriously doubt it. I know she liked him. From her tweets it seems like she’s hiding something about what happened. I’m willing to forgive him, even though I don’t know the whole truth, but my mom isn’t.

The night I wigged, Marco’s mom was so worried about me that she called my mom and told her what happened and how concerned she was because I was throwing up because I was so upset. I know she did it because she cared, but now because of her call my parents want me to break up with him. They don’t think we’re healthy for each other because I was so upset finding the other girl at his house.

Kelly, I don’t want to break up. I love him, and why would I break up with him when I think he’s sorry? Every day my mom says, “There are other fish in the sea, you know,” and it makes me so mad. I hate talking about it with them. They think I should be embarrassed to see him, but I’m not because I wasn’t the one who was cheating.

They say I can go out if I’m with friends, but if I say it’s just me and Marco, they say no and go into a whole long speech about how Marco isn’t Mr. Right and if I think he’s a cheater, then why even try. They liked him before this, but now that his mom called my parents it’s a whole new ballgame.

What should I do? How do I tell my parents that I forgive him and that it’s none of their business if I date him? Also, how do I tell my dad to be quiet every time he makes comments about Marco being a cheater and that he “brings out the worst in me” when it was one night that created all this drama. I know his mom called my parents, so which parents to be mad at? And aren’t couples supposed to have bumps in the road? Please help me – I’m stuck and I have no idea what to do.

Stacia

DEAR STACIA: I hate to break it to you, but if you are younger than 18, then it is your parents’ business who you date. They are responsible for your well-being and making sure you’re healthy. The phone call from Marco’s mom caused them to see the relationship as scary for your mental health, and they reacted by trying to pull the reins in on your relationship. Stop searching for which parents to blame. There is no good solution to this, and it will only get you in more hot water if you start the blame game.

When parents see or hear about their kids acting out of character, it scares them. If Marco’s mom relayed what happened at her house, your parents have a right to feel concerned. It sounds like your reaction was so strong that your behavior was out of control. After five months, it seems like you are taking this relationship very seriously and the idea of breaking up created over-the-top behavior.

I’m not saying Marco was right. He lied to you and possibly cheated on you. You were so upset that you were throwing up and using profanity in his front yard. I get it; your emotions were turned upside down. Unfortunately, his choices and your reaction did not mix well. It seems like you need to step back, take a breath and re-evaluate if this is the right relationship for you. Consider seeing a counselor to address anger-management issues. It’s OK to be hurt or have emotions, but your reaction was so strong. If left unaddressed, this could create relationship issues for you in the future.

Bumps in the road? Absolutely. But your parents feel concerned because your reaction to the bumps in the road scared them. It didn’t just slow you down; it caused you to almost wreck.

Talk with your parents and hear their concerns. Talk about what happened and what to do now. If you want to move forward with your boyfriend, come up with a working solution to address the what-if’s in case a situation like this happens again. Assure them you will go slow and be cautious. Listen to their advice and make sure you keep balanced time with your girlfriends.

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