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Carolyn Hax: Should she leave her birthday plans to him?

Adapted from a recent online discussion.

DEAR CAROLYN: Should I tell my boyfriend of eight months that I want him to do something for my upcoming birthday? I just realized I’d like some gesture of let’s-celebrate-that-you-were-born. Going out to dinner or a gift (in the $5-$20 range) would be great. I want to see what he does on his own, but I know I’ll be disappointed if it’s nothing. In case it matters: I took him out to dinner for his birthday.

Wait and See?

DEAR WAIT: Let him handle your birthday his way, so you can see who he is. Maybe his way isn’t what you would have wanted, but instead even better, because it’s in his voice.

If you’re disappointed, then next year you say something – around his birthday, though, vs. yours: “I love a nice dinner or small gift on my birthday, so that’s what I did for you last year – but I’d rather do what you want. Which is ... ?”

This answers the surface question. The deeper question is, if you are good together, then how much do birthdays, etc., even matter?

Re: Birthday: Carolyn, I think you should have weighted your answer more toward the last line. So many adults think their birthdays should be some glorious celebration. It really isn’t that important. How she feels they work as a couple the rest of the time is what’s important.

Anonymous

True, but: Milestones can be useful messengers. I can’t make a letter-writer not care about them, but I can advise someone to see what a partner’s behavior around milestones is saying.

The information doesn’t go one way, either. Sometimes a person who blows off milestones is grounded and knows the difference between a perk and priority, but sometimes too the blow-off person is self-absorbed and doesn’t even bother trying to figure out what his or her partner would enjoy.

And too, of course, someone can love birthdays and other milestones without being frivolous. That’s also a matter of context.

Gallery opinions:

Why do you have to grow out of birthdays? And why is it frivolous to want someone to remember yours? Someone who’s big on celebrations and someone who’s not can work, but only if they relax and learn to appreciate how the other wants things done.

Anonymous 2

I grew up in a family that celebrated birthdays. More than anything, it was an excuse to have a nice meal, some cake, and lavish a little extra attention on a loved one. My husband doesn’t want a big fuss, so I don’t do one. He knows I like a cake. So he makes one.

Anonymous 3

Email Carolyn at tellme@washpost.com.

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