Jack Ohman

Donald Trump is no Martin Van Buren

No major newspaper has endorsed Donald Trump for president. None.

Many editorial pages, The Sacramento Bee included, have endorsed Hillary Clinton. Some such as the Arizona Republic have never endorsed a Democrat for president until now. The Chicago Tribune and The Detroit News punted by endorsing hapless libertarian Gary Johnson, who seems to have memory issues.

But I, Jack Ohman, editorial cartoonist, hereby endorse Donald Trump. Not really; I’m a cartoonist. But here’s the editorial I would write.

For too long, America has endured sane, responsible and, frankly, boring leadership. Washington, Adams, Jefferson, Lincoln, FDR, Ike, JFK, Reagan were the presidential equivalent of Ambien. Martin Van Buren was interesting, but we digress.

Americans arise each morning and see no nuclear fireball on the horizon, no massive civil unrest in the streets, no calamitous economic disruption.

Americans love scary fantasy movies about presidents fighting aliens, apocalyptic science fiction about nuclear winter, and massive global conspiracies involving bald men in black turtlenecks and fist-fighting aboard Air Force One.

I predict all that would happen under a Trump presidency, and more.

Consider his foreign policy. Iranian sailors who gesture at us will be answered with 5 megaton Tomahawk missiles. China will loan Trump money for his private foundation. Vladimir Putin will get cozy space next to the Oval Office, and sleep over in the Lincoln Bedroom. Trump and Putin are pals, so Putin will let him know which countries he will invade.

Mexico? Let’s habla en Mexicano, amigo. Mexico is going to devote its GDP to paying for and building a big, beautiful wall that will provide American jobs. Miss Housekeeping will make gilded beds in Mar-A-Lago. Trump will guarantee huge Taco Bowls in every garage.

Our military is a complete disaster run by total losers and very stupid people. Once Trump takes over, the nuclear triad (who cares what it is) will be used when foreign leaders are mean to him on Twitter.

A Trump domestic policy will be so beautiful, tremendous, and very, very, bigly job-creating you won’t believe it. Believe me.

All American jobs exported since 1945 will come back from wherever they are hiding. A special door will be built in the Mexican border wall to let them come back.

Those jobs will be so tremendously bigly high-paying, and Trump may even pay them if he feels that they’ve done a good job or can’t figure out a way to stiff them.

If the economy tanks, Trump will personally buy back your home at 30 cents on the dollar, no questions asked. He won’t rent your home to anyone who looks different than you. Trump’s no-taxpaying policy is just smart business.

A President Trump will make America proud again because everyone loves him. Blacks who tried to rent from him, deported Muslims who had their mosques raided, Mexican drug rapists, you name it. They love him.

Article 12 of the Declaration of the Constitution of the United States reads as follows, and we quote: “The President shall be an all-powerful and omniscient. He (and no women, please; unless they’re supermodels) shall have the sole power to do anything without all that Congress and Supreme Court junk.”

Oh, and please end the First Amendment. Who wants to read boring editorials about policy any way? For all these reasons, and more, vote for Trump.

But not really. Please don’t.