Jack Ohman

Who are you callin’ ugly, Travel + Leisure?

The readers of Travel + Leisure magazine, who I am sure are among the most beautiful people evah, have ranked Sacramento as having the second-ugliest residents of any major American city, right behind Baltimore.

The other ugly cities are, in order: Spokane, Wash.; Charlotte, N.C.; Milwaukee; Cleveland; Tampa, Fla.; Atlanta; and Memphis, Tenn.

Travel + Leisure magazine’s Editor-in-Chief Nathan Lump.

I am not sure what possessed the very beautiful editors of Travel + Leisure to compile such a list, but the editor-in-chief of Travel + Leisure is a man named Nathan Lump.

Nathan Lump. Rank that name for attractiveness.

Based on the photograph of Nathan Lump, we can see how he might be intrigued by the thought of an aesthetic plebiscite on the relative attractiveness of Sacramentans, Baltimoreans, and all other oppressed Ugly City Residents. He’s so attractive! Nice bow tie, too!

Another top editor of Travel + Leisure is a man named Jeffries Blackerby. There’s a handle. Please also note that Jeffries Blackerby, whose photo I found online, wouldn’t last 15 seconds on “The Bachelor.”

The creative director of Travel + Leisure is a man named Adam Bookbinder. (Who’s in charge of this magazine’s hiring? Charles Dickens?) I’m sure he’s a 10 creatively, but at a glance I’d call him a weak 6 and step away from the car.

Now, attractiveness comes in many forms. Spirit, personality, brains, kindness and so many other factors come into play when judging beauty. I am sure, in their own way, these Dickensian Travel + Leisure characters and the readers they egg on are beautiful.

Attractive people who live in New York City must suffer the analysis of the Less Attractive, so here’s mine.

For example, they are beautiful in their ability to get the attention of editorialists, which is probably what they were going for. Your point, Travel + Leisure. I’d probably kiss your subscribers goodbye in the cities listed as having ugly people.

However, attractive people who live in New York City must suffer the analysis of the Less Attractive, so here’s mine.

The idea for this list, is, well, mean. Also dopey, East Coast navel-gazing and shallow, and the results are, how to put this charitably? Ethnocentric?

How, exactly, do you judge attractiveness, anyway? How are the denizens of your “most attractive” cities (Salt Lake City? Nashville, Tenn.?) distinguishable from the line at the Arden Cheesecake Factory?

Sacramento is a beautiful place because of its ethnic diversity. Walk down the street anywhere in this city and see the marvelous mosaic of cultures living harmoniously with each other.

We’re not walking around looking at nose length, eyebrow bushiness, ear size, and so on, unless you’re a political cartoonist, and I don’t really draw people to make them feel bad about themselves; I draw them to convey who they are.

The trés cute editors of Travel + Leisure, I am sure, can have a wonderful beauty sleep tonight. But tomorrow morning, they get to look in the mirror and see what they really look like.

Nathan Lump.