Jack Ohman

All the President's Men, 2013: A Washington Posting...


SCENE ONE- (Bob Woodward and Carl Bernstein discover a burglary in the Craigslist office at the Watergate apartment complex.)

Woodward: "They caught five burglars at the Watergate, and we don't know who put them up to it."

Bernstein: "Yeah. They were really old-school types: preppy, Ivy, and they smelled like cigarettes and whiskey. Plus, Craigslist is based in San Francisco, so these guys are really out of it."

Woodward: "I don't know who they might be connected to. But we better tell Jeff Bezos, so we can monetize this story better."

Bernstein: "Quick! Get this story up on Pinterest, Facebook, Twitter, Vine, and Linked-In."

Woodward: "Linked-In?"

Bernstein: "Yeah. We may be looking for new jobs soon."

SCENE TWO- (Woodward meets with Deep Throat in an underground parking garage.)

Woodward: "Dude, you made me drive all the way to Seattle to meet. And it's very rainy."

Deep Throat: "Hey, everyone with dough lives up here now, and it's an underground garage. Chill. Follow the money, right?"

Woodward: "Okay. Fine. Tell me what you know."

Deep Throat: "What I know is that newspaper owners all used to be billionaires, and then they all went public and went to Wall Street, and then Wall Street bailed. Now they're all becoming billionaires again."

Woodward: "Like Citizen Kane, right?"

Deep Throat: "He only had $80 million. Chump change. That would barely get you The Boston Globe today."

Woodward: "What about the break-in?"

Deep Throat: "Who cares about that? All we care about are paywalls."

SCENE THREE--(Woodward and Bernstein try to sell Ben Bradlee on the story.)

Bradlee: "Bernward!"

Woodward: "That doesn't sound right."

Bradlee:  "Woodstein!"

Bernstein: "That sounds better. Ben, this story is huge."

Bradlee: "I'm 91 years old. I'm retired. I have a manual typewriter, teletype machines, trans-Atlantic cables, and rotary dial telephones. I like them. Oh, and I have a political cartoonist who draws with sable hair."

Woodward: "Ben, we have got to expose who's behind this burglary."

(Dramatic music)

Bradlee: "I am, you idiot. Don't you see how big Craigslist, Google, Yahoo, and Amazon have become? They're taking over everything. It's a massive conspiracy. It involves the entire U.S. communications and marketing community."

Woodward: "Man, I miss President Nixon."