Jack Ohman

Surf's up, Sacramento! A time tunnel into the future...

An article in The Bee this morning noted that Sacramento is one of the four most vulnerable cities in the United States to be threatened by flooding due to rising sea levels. I always hate reading articles like this, because they force me to think about horrible, Blade Runneresque future events, like a Ted Cruz-Rand Paul primary duel. The report cited in the article said that this sea level rise could be several hundred to 2,000 years away.

Well, I hope the new arena designers factor that in.

It's really strange to think about things that could theoretically occur in 2,000 years. My doctor has reliably informed me that I may be on a higher dose of Lipitor by then, and my barber says that she cannot guarantee the longer, more youthful hairstyle she threw together for me won't look like a glob of radioactive cotton candy. By that time, however, mankind may have finally figured out a way to put pontoons on K Street, or build an inflatable state capitol building.

Anyway, as a good friend of mine once observed, things that may or may not happen in 200-2,000 years officially fall into the category of Not My Problem. But there's some good news here.

In 4013, Gov. Jerry Brown will be gearing up for a 504th term, and I can imagine the news conference:

GOV. BROWN: Good morning. I would like to announce yet another legacy public infrastructure project that will ensure not only that Sacramento stays high and dry, but that will provide twenty years of full employment for KBR: The Sacramento Island Initiative.

REPORTER,  The Sacramento Bee Microchip Implanted in Your Skull News Site: Governor, why should we believe that yet another one of your legacy initiatives is going to work?

GOV. BROWN: Well, Dan Walters LXXXVIII, I think that once we finally worked out the San Francisco- Oakland Bay Holographic Hovering Laser Bridge Uranium Fastener issue in 3998, I would think that Californians would see that this administration is ready to leave yet another legacy project.

REPORTER, San Francisco Craigslist Amazon Google Chronicle: Governor, how will the Sacramento Island Initiative actually work?

GOV. BROWN: Well, Herb Caen's Virtual Uploaded Presence, we intend to move quickly to establish a system of ancient tunnel muck bricks stacked 500 feet tall. Once we've done this, we will then create a platform upon which a new downtown Sacramento can be placed, with just as few parking spaces. And, of course, real estate developers in the suburbs will create new neighborhoods, such as the Pocket Lagoon, the Isthmus of Natomas, and El Dorado Shores and University.

REPORTER: KCRAKRONKQEDKFBKKXJZ Satellite Station 2908.994: Gov. Brown, you have indicated that you may, in fact, be setting up for another re-election campaign.

GOV. BROWN: Yeah. Well,  I still haven't gotten the Bay Delta Tunnel built yet.