Jack Ohman

Lady Gaga defends Miley Cyrus, Mayor Johnson, Chris Hansen, Abel Maldonado, and the Voyager I spacecraft...

In order to deliver the high-quality political and social commentary to readers of The Sacramento Bee, I have to read a lot of news stories, and, frankly, sometimes it all run together. I try to keep it all straight and give you distilled, crystal-clear opinion artwork and writing, but there was so much going on this week that I felt it useful to write a short round-up of the week’s top stories:

1. There was a headline on the wire that read thusly: “Lady Gaga defends Miley Cyrus.” This caused me to A) laugh out loud, B) snort derisively, C) not read the story, and D) wonder whether Lady Gaga held a news conference:

“Good morning. Upon examination of what little physical evidence there is in this case, I would like to offer Miley Cyrus my meat dress.”

2. Launched on September 5, 1977 (during the first term of Gov. Jerry Brown), the Voyager I space vehicle left the solar system on August 25, 2012 (during the third term of Gov. Jerry Brown), NASA announced yesterday. The vehicle passed Siskiyou County last Saturday.

3. Former Lt. Gov. Abel Maldonado’s (R-Etread) entire campaign staff resigned the other day. Republican operatives met to form a new, less expensive team which will also be paid to gather anti-arena signatures. Lady Gaga had no comment.

4. The anti-arena group formerly funded by Chris Hansen says it is closing in on its goal of over one million dollars in fines.

5. The Legislature rejected several compromise bills to rename the San Francisco-Oakland Bay Bridge: “The Willie Brioni Bridge,” “The (insert first name of prominent California politician named Brown here) Brown Bridge,” and “The Willie Brown Is Still Very Much Alive and Can Ruin Your Career Bridge.”

6. In a statement this week, Chris Hansen said this: “I take a lot of pride in trying to do things the right way in my life.” Lady Gaga simply could not muster the energy to defend him. Miley Cyrus said that “Hansen must be getting the same career advice I am.”

7. California lawmakers OK’d a measure to ban asking homeless transgender undocumented immigrant firefighters wearing meat dresses if they’ve committed a felony with a lead bullet on a state job application.

8. The Minimum Wage For Sacramento Corporate Lobbyists Act of 2013 would mandate an hourly wage of $700/hour by 2016.

9. Some of the above is an exaggeration or outright falsehood.

10. The practice of Walmart “behests” came under scrutiny this week when it was revealed that Mayor Kevin Johnson was manufactured in China and sold at a deep discount to Sacramento voters. Mayor Johnson was not in town for comment.

I guess that’s all for now.

Lady Gaga just told me to stop writing.