Jack Ohman

Sacramento sex, guns, and illegal immigrants: Let’s see if this works...

My editor, who attended the prestigious Columbia School of Journalism ©, sent me a memo analyzing my blog hits. It was rather striking. Subjects that pertained to public policy issues didn’t do nearly as well as my recent column on a UCLA study of the sexual habits of Sacramentans.

Normally, I don’t work blue, but I decided I better get with the program if I wanted more hits. Since he attended the prestigious Columbia School of Journalism ©, he also suggested that I throw in the subject of guns and illegal immigration.

Here goes.

I know that the sex lives of Sacramentans is an endlessly fascinating subject, and the eighty percent of Sacramentans having that sex are way more into it than the 20 percent of Sacramentans who are not having sex (thus far, I have gotten the word “sex” in three times in this paragraph. No. Four). Sex.


Now let’s talk about the sex lives of gun-owning illegal immigrant Sacramentans. Knowing illegal immigrant Sacramento gun owners as I do, I am sure they have an active sex life. After all, being illegal is inherently racy, and therefore, sexy. So they would be having more sex than, say, native, non-gun owning Sacramentans? Perhaps. Or not.

How do I know this? Who cares? I’m just getting the words “sex,” “guns,” and “illegal immigrants” in just to kick up my page views. Sex. Guns. Illegal immigrants.

What kind of sex are these illegal immigrant Sacramento gun owners having? Well, it’s obvious: they are having lots of sex. While they own guns. While they live in this gun-loving (and sex-loving) country, illegally.

This sort of thing (sex while owning guns in Sacramento while residing in the United States illegally) is the kind of thing that creates even more page views. I know. Because I just typed it, and it is pure speculation on my part, based largely on my knowledge of the sex lives of these gun-owning illegal immigrant Sacramentans. Oh, and I have a college degree from the prestigious Portland State University Honors Program, where I am sure some of them must be having sex while owning guns as they reside in the United States, illegally.

What can we do about this sex in Sacramento? What can be done about guns? What can be done about illegal immigrants?

It remains to be seen, but I can assure you of one thing: sex, guns, and illegal immigration in Sacramento are here to stay.

Sex. Guns. Illegal immigrants.

Sex. And guns. And illegal immigration.


Send me the new page view report.